Physically Nothing

I ate like a normal person for a whole week. I completely lost control and I don't know entirely why.
I just lost ana, and I didn't know where to look.

This week is back on track week. I'm such a fat pig. today I'm going out for dinner and ice cream with a friend and thats okay with me for now (its all i'll be eating today)
and tuesday I'm getting smoothies with a friend, so that's all I'll be eating/drinking that day too
and wednesday I'm fasting
and Thursday I'm fasting
and if I can, Friday I'm fasting  (If i can't , then I'm liquid fasting or fruit fasting)

for saturday - which is when I'm pulling off the most adorable black dress for a party, and need to make two guys jealous at once. sigh, I should have thought about this all last week so I didn't eat so damn much.

Last night I had a smoke because this guy asked me out and I didn't know what to say. I think I'll say yes, for this sunday.  Why the hell not, since nothing else is working?

I told Ryan I was crying last night but I wasn't really. On my back deck when I was laying looking at the stars smoking I was almost crying - almost sobbing - like smokes always seem to hit me. I just need to get a grip and take control again, because last week was not okay.

Love never works. Love is just stupid. My parents are divorced - that love never works. There are some people in this world that don't find love, or where love doesn't work. Me too, for example.
Ryan's never going to work, and I hope to God it does. But I don't know what's going to happen once Rieki's out of the picture - he may choose someone else just as much as he could choose to be with me.

I want to learn to play the piano/keyboard just to play my sad songs and sing to them on it. that would be good.

Take all I have please.
Honestly, nothing physical is worth a thing.

I Just Want You To Love Me.

I'm sorry that I love you. That's really all it comes down to.
I'm sorry that I want you to break up with your girlfriend for me.
I want you, so badly.

I wish I could just sit and stare at you, and have you looking back at me with the same love in your eyes. That's really all  I want.
You would make everything better. I would know I am loved.
She doesn't seem to realize what she has. I would, and I would treat you the best.

I would do anything for you. ANYTHING. honestly, you name it and I would do it, no questions.

And I'm going to start crying because I don't think I can ever have you. You're happy with her, and I should have stopped this a long time ago, but I'm never going to stop this.

I'm going back to starving after a week of food. This is gross. I am gross. I'm starving until next saturday - eating 1/4 of dinners because my mom is cooking them all this week. ONE QUARTER. If i eat more then I'm going to be so mad.
I'm already mad.

I want to look amazing in this dress for you. For you and to make Andrew jealous. I know that sounds so bitchy.

I'm so so sorry. I just want to be skinny and for you to love me.

Fall To Pieces

I was with Ryan last night, and it was really nice. It was just us, and noone else..some nice time. He's still together with Rieki, but I loved just having the time to us..

I feel like he could be liking me while going out with Rieki...I'm not sure why though - it could just be my stupid head making more problems for myself then I need as normal. I'm laying next to him on the futon in his basement, and it is pitch black, but he put music on. We were just talking and almost sleeping, but I kept staring at him, and I know that sounds really bad, but I just couldn't help it. His smell, his face, his hair, his looks...I just melt?

*I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry infront of you. I don't want to talk about it because I'm in love with you.

You were talking to me about what you could do to get me to eat again, and said you had ideas but I wouldn't tell you what would really make me eat. There is really only one thing that can be done to make me eat - prove to me that I'm beautiful. How do you do that? Get Ryan to go out with me, get someone to love me so completely that I'm stuck loving myself. Sure I won't look at food the same way ever again, but I know theres someone who really loves me for me and doesn't want me to change - and has proved it.
Some selfish bitch I am, aren't I?
Faack.

I don't mean to be such a pain to everyone. I really don't. I wish that noone knew about me eating/not eating. But at the same time, some selfish part of me want people to know, because then they seem like they care. if that makes sense? they ask about what I'm doing, how I am. They don't leave me alone..

When I'm alone, all I really do is stare at walls. How pathetic?

I know I'm doing this to myself, and I absolutely hate that. Really, I do. I want to get out of this "thinking of food all the time" phase. But at the same time, I'm not okay with how I look, and if I can't control this then what else can I control?

I want to be the person in the thinspiration . I want to be the girl who can stand up and give slam poetry, telling about how it feels to starve, and look like she's starved.
I'm not anorexic, I don't look anorexic.

I wish I could curl up into a ball and not move until september. That would make me perfect.
I want to be perfect, perfection is key.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. This whole week I've been eating like a normal person. If i reach 155lbs, I get my new shoes that I REALLY want. Half of me wants to start eating again and obsessivly go to the gym. But I could go to the gym without eating too...

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to starve, but starving hurts. One more pound, and I'm not classified as "overweight" anymore.

I'm a mess.

*Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces