Fall To Pieces

I was with Ryan last night, and it was really nice. It was just us, and noone else..some nice time. He's still together with Rieki, but I loved just having the time to us..

I feel like he could be liking me while going out with Rieki...I'm not sure why though - it could just be my stupid head making more problems for myself then I need as normal. I'm laying next to him on the futon in his basement, and it is pitch black, but he put music on. We were just talking and almost sleeping, but I kept staring at him, and I know that sounds really bad, but I just couldn't help it. His smell, his face, his hair, his looks...I just melt?

*I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry infront of you. I don't want to talk about it because I'm in love with you.

You were talking to me about what you could do to get me to eat again, and said you had ideas but I wouldn't tell you what would really make me eat. There is really only one thing that can be done to make me eat - prove to me that I'm beautiful. How do you do that? Get Ryan to go out with me, get someone to love me so completely that I'm stuck loving myself. Sure I won't look at food the same way ever again, but I know theres someone who really loves me for me and doesn't want me to change - and has proved it.
Some selfish bitch I am, aren't I?
Faack.

I don't mean to be such a pain to everyone. I really don't. I wish that noone knew about me eating/not eating. But at the same time, some selfish part of me want people to know, because then they seem like they care. if that makes sense? they ask about what I'm doing, how I am. They don't leave me alone..

When I'm alone, all I really do is stare at walls. How pathetic?

I know I'm doing this to myself, and I absolutely hate that. Really, I do. I want to get out of this "thinking of food all the time" phase. But at the same time, I'm not okay with how I look, and if I can't control this then what else can I control?

I want to be the person in the thinspiration . I want to be the girl who can stand up and give slam poetry, telling about how it feels to starve, and look like she's starved.
I'm not anorexic, I don't look anorexic.

I wish I could curl up into a ball and not move until september. That would make me perfect.
I want to be perfect, perfection is key.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. This whole week I've been eating like a normal person. If i reach 155lbs, I get my new shoes that I REALLY want. Half of me wants to start eating again and obsessivly go to the gym. But I could go to the gym without eating too...

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to starve, but starving hurts. One more pound, and I'm not classified as "overweight" anymore.

I'm a mess.

*Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces