Rant for HIM.
You took her heart,
Broke it, smashed it.
You ruined her,
My beautiful,
My baby girl.
You mad her feel,
As worthless as you,
Made her promises,
You never could keep.
Did it make you feel powerful?
Taking her innocence?
Does it make you feel powerful?
Knowing she loves you?
Does it make you feel powerful,
When she starves herself thin?
Does it make you feel powerful?
When she drags the blade across her skin?
When will you learn,
Its her you hurt.
When will you learn,
Don't mess with her.
She was damaged,
You took her in,
And now she defends,
The pain you bring.
I watch, helplessly,
Bound by a promise,
That I choose to keep.
But please,
Let her go,
Let her out of the constraints,
Push her out the door.
She will be broken,
But what else is new,
I will help her,
Forget about you...
You are like poison,
Toxic in nature.
You manipulate,
You fufill your own needs,
You're one step below,
An abuser.
If you break her,
I will break you,
If you allow her to,
Give you everything,
You will have no future,
This truth I sing.
Why do you feel the need,
To have everything,
What was so bad,
In your past,
That you feel the need,
To make her pain last.
My Love for Her
You are my beautiful,
My baby girl,
He's just a monster,
Who pretends your his world.
You care so much,
That it's your end,
He's just a player,
Stuck on being friends.
You need to stop,
Yourself based on him,
You are wonderful, special,
And deserve everything.
But here is the fact,
And it is the truth,
That that asshole of a boy,
Will never deserve you.
Hometown girl, born so true,
Too bad she fell in love with you,
Oblivious in the way she cares,
You left her feeling invisible and bare.
Hometown girl becomes a queen,
So much more then she seems,
With a heartbreak on her shoulders,
It has made her that much older.
Pain is lost in her fake smiles,
She holds it together for a while,
But others see through her door,
Can see she's desperate for so much more.
They offer her their encouraging ears,
Assure her they are always here,
And when they listen to her speak,
They know that they will never leave.
She morphs herself to someone new,
The focus of her control is food.
Restricting, fasting, gives her the high,
She is tempted by Ana's lies.
Days turn into months and into years,
The hometown queen's condition severe,
Convinced that she is always fine,
She allows nobody to pass the line,
The line in which she uses to protect,
Because of they boy, her trust he wrecked.
Friends watch on, eager to be the hero,
Her size has become less then a zero.
And before they know it, its that day,
When Ana's decietfullness took her away.
The possibilities are endless to where she had gone,
To the hospital, to get better, to be strong?
Or to the ground, to be returned to Him,
Even though she was just a kid?
Hometown girl, she was lured,
Ana did not allow us to save her.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Physically Nothing
I ate like a normal person for a whole week. I completely lost control and I don't know entirely why.
I just lost ana, and I didn't know where to look.
This week is back on track week. I'm such a fat pig. today I'm going out for dinner and ice cream with a friend and thats okay with me for now (its all i'll be eating today)
and tuesday I'm getting smoothies with a friend, so that's all I'll be eating/drinking that day too
and wednesday I'm fasting
and Thursday I'm fasting
and if I can, Friday I'm fasting (If i can't , then I'm liquid fasting or fruit fasting)
for saturday - which is when I'm pulling off the most adorable black dress for a party, and need to make two guys jealous at once. sigh, I should have thought about this all last week so I didn't eat so damn much.
Last night I had a smoke because this guy asked me out and I didn't know what to say. I think I'll say yes, for this sunday. Why the hell not, since nothing else is working?
I told Ryan I was crying last night but I wasn't really. On my back deck when I was laying looking at the stars smoking I was almost crying - almost sobbing - like smokes always seem to hit me. I just need to get a grip and take control again, because last week was not okay.
Love never works. Love is just stupid. My parents are divorced - that love never works. There are some people in this world that don't find love, or where love doesn't work. Me too, for example.
Ryan's never going to work, and I hope to God it does. But I don't know what's going to happen once Rieki's out of the picture - he may choose someone else just as much as he could choose to be with me.
I want to learn to play the piano/keyboard just to play my sad songs and sing to them on it. that would be good.
Take all I have please.
Honestly, nothing physical is worth a thing.
I just lost ana, and I didn't know where to look.
This week is back on track week. I'm such a fat pig. today I'm going out for dinner and ice cream with a friend and thats okay with me for now (its all i'll be eating today)
and tuesday I'm getting smoothies with a friend, so that's all I'll be eating/drinking that day too
and wednesday I'm fasting
and Thursday I'm fasting
and if I can, Friday I'm fasting (If i can't , then I'm liquid fasting or fruit fasting)
for saturday - which is when I'm pulling off the most adorable black dress for a party, and need to make two guys jealous at once. sigh, I should have thought about this all last week so I didn't eat so damn much.
Last night I had a smoke because this guy asked me out and I didn't know what to say. I think I'll say yes, for this sunday. Why the hell not, since nothing else is working?
I told Ryan I was crying last night but I wasn't really. On my back deck when I was laying looking at the stars smoking I was almost crying - almost sobbing - like smokes always seem to hit me. I just need to get a grip and take control again, because last week was not okay.
Love never works. Love is just stupid. My parents are divorced - that love never works. There are some people in this world that don't find love, or where love doesn't work. Me too, for example.
Ryan's never going to work, and I hope to God it does. But I don't know what's going to happen once Rieki's out of the picture - he may choose someone else just as much as he could choose to be with me.
I want to learn to play the piano/keyboard just to play my sad songs and sing to them on it. that would be good.
Take all I have please.
Honestly, nothing physical is worth a thing.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I Just Want You To Love Me.
I'm sorry that I love you. That's really all it comes down to.
I'm sorry that I want you to break up with your girlfriend for me.
I want you, so badly.
I wish I could just sit and stare at you, and have you looking back at me with the same love in your eyes. That's really all I want.
You would make everything better. I would know I am loved.
She doesn't seem to realize what she has. I would, and I would treat you the best.
I would do anything for you. ANYTHING. honestly, you name it and I would do it, no questions.
And I'm going to start crying because I don't think I can ever have you. You're happy with her, and I should have stopped this a long time ago, but I'm never going to stop this.
I'm going back to starving after a week of food. This is gross. I am gross. I'm starving until next saturday - eating 1/4 of dinners because my mom is cooking them all this week. ONE QUARTER. If i eat more then I'm going to be so mad.
I'm already mad.
I want to look amazing in this dress for you. For you and to make Andrew jealous. I know that sounds so bitchy.
I'm so so sorry. I just want to be skinny and for you to love me.
I'm sorry that I want you to break up with your girlfriend for me.
I want you, so badly.
I wish I could just sit and stare at you, and have you looking back at me with the same love in your eyes. That's really all I want.
You would make everything better. I would know I am loved.
She doesn't seem to realize what she has. I would, and I would treat you the best.
I would do anything for you. ANYTHING. honestly, you name it and I would do it, no questions.
And I'm going to start crying because I don't think I can ever have you. You're happy with her, and I should have stopped this a long time ago, but I'm never going to stop this.
I'm going back to starving after a week of food. This is gross. I am gross. I'm starving until next saturday - eating 1/4 of dinners because my mom is cooking them all this week. ONE QUARTER. If i eat more then I'm going to be so mad.
I'm already mad.
I want to look amazing in this dress for you. For you and to make Andrew jealous. I know that sounds so bitchy.
I'm so so sorry. I just want to be skinny and for you to love me.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Fall To Pieces
I was with Ryan last night, and it was really nice. It was just us, and noone else..some nice time. He's still together with Rieki, but I loved just having the time to us..
I feel like he could be liking me while going out with Rieki...I'm not sure why though - it could just be my stupid head making more problems for myself then I need as normal. I'm laying next to him on the futon in his basement, and it is pitch black, but he put music on. We were just talking and almost sleeping, but I kept staring at him, and I know that sounds really bad, but I just couldn't help it. His smell, his face, his hair, his looks...I just melt?
*I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry infront of you. I don't want to talk about it because I'm in love with you.
You were talking to me about what you could do to get me to eat again, and said you had ideas but I wouldn't tell you what would really make me eat. There is really only one thing that can be done to make me eat - prove to me that I'm beautiful. How do you do that? Get Ryan to go out with me, get someone to love me so completely that I'm stuck loving myself. Sure I won't look at food the same way ever again, but I know theres someone who really loves me for me and doesn't want me to change - and has proved it.
Some selfish bitch I am, aren't I?
Faack.
I don't mean to be such a pain to everyone. I really don't. I wish that noone knew about me eating/not eating. But at the same time, some selfish part of me want people to know, because then they seem like they care. if that makes sense? they ask about what I'm doing, how I am. They don't leave me alone..
When I'm alone, all I really do is stare at walls. How pathetic?
I know I'm doing this to myself, and I absolutely hate that. Really, I do. I want to get out of this "thinking of food all the time" phase. But at the same time, I'm not okay with how I look, and if I can't control this then what else can I control?
I want to be the person in the thinspiration . I want to be the girl who can stand up and give slam poetry, telling about how it feels to starve, and look like she's starved.
I'm not anorexic, I don't look anorexic.
I wish I could curl up into a ball and not move until september. That would make me perfect.
I want to be perfect, perfection is key.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. This whole week I've been eating like a normal person. If i reach 155lbs, I get my new shoes that I REALLY want. Half of me wants to start eating again and obsessivly go to the gym. But I could go to the gym without eating too...
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to starve, but starving hurts. One more pound, and I'm not classified as "overweight" anymore.
I'm a mess.
*Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces
I feel like he could be liking me while going out with Rieki...I'm not sure why though - it could just be my stupid head making more problems for myself then I need as normal. I'm laying next to him on the futon in his basement, and it is pitch black, but he put music on. We were just talking and almost sleeping, but I kept staring at him, and I know that sounds really bad, but I just couldn't help it. His smell, his face, his hair, his looks...I just melt?
*I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry infront of you. I don't want to talk about it because I'm in love with you.
You were talking to me about what you could do to get me to eat again, and said you had ideas but I wouldn't tell you what would really make me eat. There is really only one thing that can be done to make me eat - prove to me that I'm beautiful. How do you do that? Get Ryan to go out with me, get someone to love me so completely that I'm stuck loving myself. Sure I won't look at food the same way ever again, but I know theres someone who really loves me for me and doesn't want me to change - and has proved it.
Some selfish bitch I am, aren't I?
Faack.
I don't mean to be such a pain to everyone. I really don't. I wish that noone knew about me eating/not eating. But at the same time, some selfish part of me want people to know, because then they seem like they care. if that makes sense? they ask about what I'm doing, how I am. They don't leave me alone..
When I'm alone, all I really do is stare at walls. How pathetic?
I know I'm doing this to myself, and I absolutely hate that. Really, I do. I want to get out of this "thinking of food all the time" phase. But at the same time, I'm not okay with how I look, and if I can't control this then what else can I control?
I want to be the person in the thinspiration . I want to be the girl who can stand up and give slam poetry, telling about how it feels to starve, and look like she's starved.
I'm not anorexic, I don't look anorexic.
I wish I could curl up into a ball and not move until september. That would make me perfect.
I want to be perfect, perfection is key.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. This whole week I've been eating like a normal person. If i reach 155lbs, I get my new shoes that I REALLY want. Half of me wants to start eating again and obsessivly go to the gym. But I could go to the gym without eating too...
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to starve, but starving hurts. One more pound, and I'm not classified as "overweight" anymore.
I'm a mess.
*Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces
Sunday, July 31, 2011
all i could think about..
All I could think about last night as I was laying awake for about five hours..
myself walking towards..myself and then changing. My face would become crackled and dead-looking, I would have my eyes glowing a vibrant blue-green-gold, my makeup would change from none to HEAVY dark black eyeliner with major mascara and black eyeshadow. I would change into a light blue dress, ripped and torn, my teeth would become jagged and devouring..
My back would sprout wings, like a butterfly but black and dead-looking ones. like a skeleton of butterfly wings.
And I would be perfectly skinny.
myself walking towards..myself and then changing. My face would become crackled and dead-looking, I would have my eyes glowing a vibrant blue-green-gold, my makeup would change from none to HEAVY dark black eyeliner with major mascara and black eyeshadow. I would change into a light blue dress, ripped and torn, my teeth would become jagged and devouring..
My back would sprout wings, like a butterfly but black and dead-looking ones. like a skeleton of butterfly wings.
And I would be perfectly skinny.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
You Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
Take me, I'm alive
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better
When the sun goes down
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light
And every time
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things
That I shouldn't know
And there's a blue moon on the rise
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
Everything in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light
And every time
I look inside your eyes
(Burning in the light)
Make me wanna die
I'll die for you, my love, my love
I'll lie for you, my love, my love
(Make me wanna die)
I'll steal for you, my love, my love
(You make me wanna die)
I'll die for you, my love, my love
We'll burn up in the light
Every time I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
Alot happened at once...I had some people over for a party/hangout. and I already knew I wanted to makeout with this guy Andrew...it's complicated but true.
I drank too much, it hit me harder because I didn't eat anything,
I ran off to my room because I got really upset...The selfish little me wanted to see who would bother to come up and check to see if I'm okay. Rachael did, and then Andrew came up, and Carling came up too. And I had already started crying to Rachael about Ana, and now Carling and Andrew know...which I didn't want to ever happen. ...Ryan didn't come up to see me (he said he thought I wouldn't want to see him)
I took 15 advils just because Ryan would hate it (I don't know either), and I finished cutting FAT on my stomach...Fuck it hurt. I smoked 6 cigs that day. and 5 the next.
And two more cuts on my arms, forcing me to now wear long-sleeve shirts in the 35 degree weather. Fml.
So me and my friend Rach and him went to sleep upstairs we both ended up in the same bed as Andrew - then she left...me and Andrew had already made out by this point...
let's just say handjob for him...basically fingering for me (more rubbing)
the point is that we got to the point when he asked me if we wanted to just have sex. I had to say I couldn't do it...and then things got all awkward and shit -__-
Now I just don't know what the fuck is wrong. I don't ever want to eat or touch food again. I hate it, and I honest to God have no desire to eat food. I think Ana finally won.
Btw, I started texting Ryan after he left, and I reread those texts in the morning - I was talking about Ana like she was a real person....
creepyshit.
Now I'm a mess, but I have a new faveourite song.
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better
When the sun goes down
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light
And every time
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things
That I shouldn't know
And there's a blue moon on the rise
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night
Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
Everything in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light
And every time
I look inside your eyes
(Burning in the light)
Make me wanna die
I'll die for you, my love, my love
I'll lie for you, my love, my love
(Make me wanna die)
I'll steal for you, my love, my love
(You make me wanna die)
I'll die for you, my love, my love
We'll burn up in the light
Every time I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
Alot happened at once...I had some people over for a party/hangout. and I already knew I wanted to makeout with this guy Andrew...it's complicated but true.
I drank too much, it hit me harder because I didn't eat anything,
I ran off to my room because I got really upset...The selfish little me wanted to see who would bother to come up and check to see if I'm okay. Rachael did, and then Andrew came up, and Carling came up too. And I had already started crying to Rachael about Ana, and now Carling and Andrew know...which I didn't want to ever happen. ...Ryan didn't come up to see me (he said he thought I wouldn't want to see him)
I took 15 advils just because Ryan would hate it (I don't know either), and I finished cutting FAT on my stomach...Fuck it hurt. I smoked 6 cigs that day. and 5 the next.
And two more cuts on my arms, forcing me to now wear long-sleeve shirts in the 35 degree weather. Fml.
So me and my friend Rach and him went to sleep upstairs we both ended up in the same bed as Andrew - then she left...me and Andrew had already made out by this point...
let's just say handjob for him...basically fingering for me (more rubbing)
the point is that we got to the point when he asked me if we wanted to just have sex. I had to say I couldn't do it...and then things got all awkward and shit -__-
Now I just don't know what the fuck is wrong. I don't ever want to eat or touch food again. I hate it, and I honest to God have no desire to eat food. I think Ana finally won.
Btw, I started texting Ryan after he left, and I reread those texts in the morning - I was talking about Ana like she was a real person....
creepyshit.
Now I'm a mess, but I have a new faveourite song.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I dont want help...
I don't know what I'm thinking. Yesterday I ate so much and I completely let my guard down. I had too much alcohol - too many calories. I just kept snacking on things! I dont know...
So today it's just water, and I have to cut the last slash in F. FAACK.
I really hate cutting...
I started smoking again, and I remember how much I missed it. It works SO SO well to curb hunger it's not even funny, so I'm using that to my advantage. I had one at like 2 today, and I might have another one when it's dark because I love watching the smoke rise up above me into stars, it's the most powerful thing for me.
I'm in a mood that I really don't have very much self-respect, to the point where I really want to go get fucked. I want weed so badly, just so I could do it by myself and watch the world turn. I've done it before...but I don't want to have to ask my friend for more...
It was like a slap to the face this morning, Matt decided to finally talk to me regularily and I get the "oh im so broken, I'm suicidal" which I can understand - this kid has ISSUES. But it's not like I don't know that the world is full of a bunch of fuckers and that life's a bitch...
He did the whole "the only person that could make me feel better is makayla and she only visits somedays because she lives in Brantford"
Question...why are you telling me this? I know that I wish I could help him, but I haven't really talked to him since like the end of May, and thats when we hooked up and had that awkward I'm leaving you thing going on. Which I still feel terrible about. I'm sorry that I didn't want to date him, and I wish I could fix anything I've done to him...but I wanted him so badly..
What am I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry, Matt, I'll make it all better? -__-
On the upside I have decided to not talk about my problems with eating to anyone, and if it's mentioned or the topic starts to answer quickly and not linger on the subject.
I'm starving for attention ... and for bones ... and for people to notice me ... and to be worth something .... and to finally have confidence ... and for bikinis ... and for sex ... and for love ... and to be the girl in the thinspo.
I'm not doing it for my mom anymore, or for the guy - well of course i'm still doing it for the guy - but hes not really the main reason.
I know that I'm doing this to try to get him to notice me, but there are so many other, more complicated factors in this too.
I want to keep smiling when i look in the mirror.
Karyn has decided that she knows the reasons of the disorder. I'm not talking to her right now about eating at all, and I refuse to, but apparantally (i read her blog) she talked to her councillor about me, so she's worrying about me a bit too much... Um...
She doesn't need to worry, i'm fine! she thinks i'm only doing this for my mother. Unfortunatly as much as I'd like to tell her how wrong she is, I don't want to talk to her right now.
She kept saying "she needs to get help"
well i'm sorry Ms.I-Know-Everything-About-Mental-Health, I dont want help, and I don't need help. I'm fine.
So today it's just water, and I have to cut the last slash in F. FAACK.
I really hate cutting...
I started smoking again, and I remember how much I missed it. It works SO SO well to curb hunger it's not even funny, so I'm using that to my advantage. I had one at like 2 today, and I might have another one when it's dark because I love watching the smoke rise up above me into stars, it's the most powerful thing for me.
I'm in a mood that I really don't have very much self-respect, to the point where I really want to go get fucked. I want weed so badly, just so I could do it by myself and watch the world turn. I've done it before...but I don't want to have to ask my friend for more...
It was like a slap to the face this morning, Matt decided to finally talk to me regularily and I get the "oh im so broken, I'm suicidal" which I can understand - this kid has ISSUES. But it's not like I don't know that the world is full of a bunch of fuckers and that life's a bitch...
He did the whole "the only person that could make me feel better is makayla and she only visits somedays because she lives in Brantford"
Question...why are you telling me this? I know that I wish I could help him, but I haven't really talked to him since like the end of May, and thats when we hooked up and had that awkward I'm leaving you thing going on. Which I still feel terrible about. I'm sorry that I didn't want to date him, and I wish I could fix anything I've done to him...but I wanted him so badly..
What am I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry, Matt, I'll make it all better? -__-
On the upside I have decided to not talk about my problems with eating to anyone, and if it's mentioned or the topic starts to answer quickly and not linger on the subject.
I'm starving for attention ... and for bones ... and for people to notice me ... and to be worth something .... and to finally have confidence ... and for bikinis ... and for sex ... and for love ... and to be the girl in the thinspo.
I'm not doing it for my mom anymore, or for the guy - well of course i'm still doing it for the guy - but hes not really the main reason.
I know that I'm doing this to try to get him to notice me, but there are so many other, more complicated factors in this too.
I want to keep smiling when i look in the mirror.
Karyn has decided that she knows the reasons of the disorder. I'm not talking to her right now about eating at all, and I refuse to, but apparantally (i read her blog) she talked to her councillor about me, so she's worrying about me a bit too much... Um...
She doesn't need to worry, i'm fine! she thinks i'm only doing this for my mother. Unfortunatly as much as I'd like to tell her how wrong she is, I don't want to talk to her right now.
She kept saying "she needs to get help"
well i'm sorry Ms.I-Know-Everything-About-Mental-Health, I dont want help, and I don't need help. I'm fine.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I am the moon.
I'm feeling doubtful of my eating lately. Like, I'm eating way too much and excersizing way too less.
I need to pick up again, I'm going to try fasting for as long as I can starting today. See what I can do, there's a party I'm going to on thursday, and I want to wear my pretty dress SO bad...
So I'm going to starve for it.
I feel like I stare into nothingness to much, you know? Almost like I have everything to think of but realistically only a few things are coming to mind to think of : what I'm doing, what i'm doing wrong, Mom, Ryan.
Over and over and over. How noone would want a fat chick, how for people to really like me I've got to be skinny.
It's funny, I think I've finally tainted my relationship with food. I don't see it as something that nourishes anymore. I have no desire to eat it at all...it doesn't fill me up. I regret eating it the second it's put into my mouth.
So now I'm just going to live by that. I think this will work.
I want to be skinny so bad, it hurts.
I saw "Friends With Benefits" yesterday, and it was absolutely amazing...except for the fact it got me all depressed. I want to be Jaime from the movie - I want the chance to have casual sex with a really hot guy just because - and fall in love along the way. But I can't right now - IM TOO FAT.
No guy would want me like that now, I need to change for someone to want me like that. So more starvation for me? PLEASE , I'd love that.
I bought two kinds of teas : one is green tea with ginger and the other is an infusion of camomile and other flower petals. They're both really good - maybe I'll just swim in tea. I'm going to have tea coming out my eyes.
AND mom finally bought me an ice cube tray! <3
geeeeeeeez, finally..
So back to the story from the last post - mom's boyfriend abruptly stopped talking to her, and when she went to bring his stuff back, there was another girl there. How am I supposed to help her if I can't help myself? I don't know... But she is drinking a bit too much - she seems perfectly happy all the time thought like towards me and my bro. And I'm scared she's developing binge disorder because she just sits there and eats...
I'm supposed to be the Moon - that's what my aunt calls me - moon. Because my focus is on helping people (i believe in energies which i specialize in, and them being around people). And I can't be the moon...so it got to me...
I need to pick up again, I'm going to try fasting for as long as I can starting today. See what I can do, there's a party I'm going to on thursday, and I want to wear my pretty dress SO bad...
So I'm going to starve for it.
I feel like I stare into nothingness to much, you know? Almost like I have everything to think of but realistically only a few things are coming to mind to think of : what I'm doing, what i'm doing wrong, Mom, Ryan.
Over and over and over. How noone would want a fat chick, how for people to really like me I've got to be skinny.
It's funny, I think I've finally tainted my relationship with food. I don't see it as something that nourishes anymore. I have no desire to eat it at all...it doesn't fill me up. I regret eating it the second it's put into my mouth.
So now I'm just going to live by that. I think this will work.
I want to be skinny so bad, it hurts.
I saw "Friends With Benefits" yesterday, and it was absolutely amazing...except for the fact it got me all depressed. I want to be Jaime from the movie - I want the chance to have casual sex with a really hot guy just because - and fall in love along the way. But I can't right now - IM TOO FAT.
No guy would want me like that now, I need to change for someone to want me like that. So more starvation for me? PLEASE , I'd love that.
I bought two kinds of teas : one is green tea with ginger and the other is an infusion of camomile and other flower petals. They're both really good - maybe I'll just swim in tea. I'm going to have tea coming out my eyes.
AND mom finally bought me an ice cube tray! <3
geeeeeeeez, finally..
So back to the story from the last post - mom's boyfriend abruptly stopped talking to her, and when she went to bring his stuff back, there was another girl there. How am I supposed to help her if I can't help myself? I don't know... But she is drinking a bit too much - she seems perfectly happy all the time thought like towards me and my bro. And I'm scared she's developing binge disorder because she just sits there and eats...
I'm supposed to be the Moon - that's what my aunt calls me - moon. Because my focus is on helping people (i believe in energies which i specialize in, and them being around people). And I can't be the moon...so it got to me...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Done .
I'm just done.
I don't want to talk about not eating or eating or binging or purging or cutting anymore. I'm done with all this bullcrap. I want to go hide in a dark hole until I'm skinny, and even then, never ever come out.
I feel like I'm a psychopath, someone that could lash out at any second. I stare blankly into space for so long I forget the time.
I hate this.
I want to leave.
I don't want to talk about not eating or eating or binging or purging or cutting anymore. I'm done with all this bullcrap. I want to go hide in a dark hole until I'm skinny, and even then, never ever come out.
I feel like I'm a psychopath, someone that could lash out at any second. I stare blankly into space for so long I forget the time.
I hate this.
I want to leave.
Friday, July 22, 2011
STRESS= BINGE, PURGE, CUT
I'm not okay. Or I am somehow and doing an amazing job acting like I'm not. I don't know with myself anymore.
I'm buying a scale next week.
So my mom gave my cat to the Humane Society without letting me even say goodbye because I was at my dad's house. Not that that should be a problem, seeing as it's her cat - but she had already tried to get rid of her once while I was out with a friend - my whole family knew before I did...and she told me on Wednesday while we were in the car. That's fantastic, mom, way to tell your daughter her cat has been taken away. >.>
My brother knew, my cousins, but she completely neglected to tell me anything, and that's not okay with me.
On the other hand, I went so long without proper food this week that I reverted to lying there not being able to get up. Lovely? I think so. When I did get up, my eyes went pitch black. I got scared because I almost fell over when my brother was following me so I could get him something from the bathroom. I. Almost. Fell. Over.
What would he have done?
I miss the blackness though, it feels like change.
And then I binged, but I feel like I swam it all off...
I binged because I was at my dad's girlfriend's house swimming. They were being COMPLETELY loveydovey and it got me all upset that they would still be doing this infront of us. It's only been three years since dad and mom got divorced, but still - we're his kids! and she's a dinosaur!
Plus the stress with my mom = binge. >.> I could only purge the equivalent to one piece of pizza.
More later.
I'm buying a scale next week.
So my mom gave my cat to the Humane Society without letting me even say goodbye because I was at my dad's house. Not that that should be a problem, seeing as it's her cat - but she had already tried to get rid of her once while I was out with a friend - my whole family knew before I did...and she told me on Wednesday while we were in the car. That's fantastic, mom, way to tell your daughter her cat has been taken away. >.>
My brother knew, my cousins, but she completely neglected to tell me anything, and that's not okay with me.
On the other hand, I went so long without proper food this week that I reverted to lying there not being able to get up. Lovely? I think so. When I did get up, my eyes went pitch black. I got scared because I almost fell over when my brother was following me so I could get him something from the bathroom. I. Almost. Fell. Over.
What would he have done?
I miss the blackness though, it feels like change.
And then I binged, but I feel like I swam it all off...
I binged because I was at my dad's girlfriend's house swimming. They were being COMPLETELY loveydovey and it got me all upset that they would still be doing this infront of us. It's only been three years since dad and mom got divorced, but still - we're his kids! and she's a dinosaur!
Plus the stress with my mom = binge. >.> I could only purge the equivalent to one piece of pizza.
More later.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
the things Ryan doesn't know...
I wrote a letter to Ryan and wanted to post it. If he ever finds this site I'm completely fucked over, but I know that I need to have this on hand with me...
I wrote this kind of like a .... this is what you should know before I die ...type thing. It's not particularily a suicide note, but I can't say that it shouldn't be given to him in the event of me dying...
Lydia
I wrote this kind of like a .... this is what you should know before I die ...type thing. It's not particularily a suicide note, but I can't say that it shouldn't be given to him in the event of me dying...
yes, this is all true...
Dear Ryan Labrie,
For the first time, I feel broken. Everything around me seems to be crashing down and I find myself wanting everything to fail. I wanted to be that damaged girl that needs to be comforted and consoled, and I’m not sure why.
All that I wanted was for you to love me. That’s all I’ve wanted right from the start. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I truly love you – even if you did you would think I’m stupid for thinking so. You called our friend Denise stupid after dating a guy for a month then “falling in love with him” and not being able to let go of that.
Well, I can say that I have loved you from the first time I set eyes on you; when we met backstage at the Anne of Green Gables play where Erin introduced us. I remember having a water bottle in my hand, and I had put a cinnamon heart inside it, turning the water a disgusting colour with a disgusting taste. I think I asked you if you wanted some, and you looked at me like I was crazy.
That’s what happened to my heart, it dissolved in the water and made everything around it disgusting. It dissolved and left only the repulsing insides to swim in the water. Maybe that was a secret metaphor to my life, I don’t know and never will – but that’s how I met you - over a dissolving cinnamon heart.
That night that you kissed me, I’m never going to forget for as long as I live. We weren’t together and I still can’t believe that that night meant you found me attractive, but somehow it worked. We were “friends with benefits” but without the sex. And I acted like I didn’t like you for the longest time – it was easy because I don’t think I ever admitted it. I’m sorry for not admitting it, and I’m sorry for screwing everything up like I always do. I’m sorry for having this blow up like a dramaqueen I am.
Then you left for a few months and I didn’t hear from you or see you. When you were gone Erin found out about us doing the friends with benefits thing and I had to deal with all the questions and all the people wondering about “this mysterious love triangle between Ryan, Erin and some other girl”. Yeah, I don’t know how that one formed either. Point is, I had to deal with it by myself. Krysten was there to help me, but I knew things with you would never have been the same. Unfortunatly I would have given it all up just to be friends with you again – go back to how things were before. But I wanted to keep the kiss so badly. I loved it.
Skip forward about a year I was still in love with you, and I had finally really started talking to you again. We grew so close, and everything seemed to be perfect – but the fact that you still haven’t chosen me to love back.
Then Rachael’s party, you know this part already with the me SUPER jealous because you chose the pretty, model-gorgeous Doug over me to hook up with. Never good enough was just me, and Doug was perfectly good enough for you.
Then Rieki…she’s a perfect, blonde, gorgeous girl with everything to look forward to. I’ve realized her past now, but even before she was my thinspiration. She was my only REAL thinspiration because you chose her not me. If I could only make myself who you want, maybe you’ll like me more. This was the only thought that would go through my head.
I feel like a stalker saying this, but I did print off pictures of her I found off facebook – and that one of you and her laughing as your profile picture was amazing thinspo.
The point is, and I have never said this to you, you’re the biggest reason why I’m anorexic. I want to be who you want, all those pretty, skinny girls. You would rather hook up with a skinny girl then a fat lump of shit – anyone would. So I’ll just have a leg up for when you’re single again…if I can loose the weight. You make me feel like I’m never good enough, so I’m going to become good enough. And I know that you’re trying to help and you know about Ana and Mia, but I know that I shouldn’t have told you. It was a really stupid thing of me to do seeing as I’m doing this mainly for you and for myself.
I just want you to love me when I’m done.
I don’t want you to leave again, I don’t know what I’ll do.
If I ever finish, please say that you’ll want me, and you’ll never leave my side. I will care if you never ask me out or kiss me again, but I will say that I won’t care. I’d rather stay your best friend then have you leave again.
And you don’t even understand how much and in what ways I truly, truly love you…you might never. But I can explain it with a Harry Potter reference. I am Snape…he loved Lily Evans since he first laid eyes on her, and she married a different man and he had to sit and watch as her son grew up before his eyes, knowing that he could never have Lily Potter. It seems like I’m never going to have you, I’m just going to be Snape forever.
I’m so, so sorry.
…I love you so, so much more.
Always,
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I Almost Got Hit By A Car...
So I felt bad about eating today, so I went on a long walk. Towards the beginning, I crossed a street and I knew there was a car coming, I thought it was further away.
They honked their horns and whatever, which only scared me to death - I was already out of their way by that time. But I could have been hit - they were so so close. And this is a really big deal to me, because I've considered this my form of suicide.
Even just as I wrote that this popped into my head:
she sits in the full bathtub, her hair floating around her. Her bikini on because she was afraid of people seeing how truly ugly she was. She looked at her stomach, the words "Perfect" and "Fat" carved into it by her own hand. A tear fell from her eye. She had taken all her makeup off, it was just her now. When she was dead, her body would be discovered and someone would finally see the words that broke her skin, the bones that were visible. They would finally know something was wrong with the pristine, smart little girl they all seemed to "know so well".
Only her and only her decision. Her blowdryer rested on the side of the bath, within her reach. One slip of the hand, and she would fry in her own bathwater. One slip of the hand, she would scream, the pain would consume her and she would never have to feel ever again. No more starvation. No more ignorance. No more heartache. Just an eternity of nothingness, and whatever comes along with the peacefull silence.
Could she do it?
..wait. This is where my thoughts are headed? I'm going to start crying. I don't want to die...or maybe I do. I don't fucking know anymore. And it doesn't matter. Maybe Ryan's right, maybe I am just broken. But I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything.
I want to drink until I don't know my name, or just stay in my room for endless hours, pouring over the silence and just...being. I probably wouldn't even cry.
And if that car had hit me, and I would have tried to call Ryan he wouldn't have picked up. I tried texting him with no response at all so I could stop by and pick up my iPod from his house - I was headed that way anyways. But he texted back two hours later saying he wasn't home.
He wouldn't have been around if I fell and couldn't get back up, or fainted on the side of the road from hunger, or just couldn't move. He wouldn't have been here.
It would have just been me. And I don't know what I would have done.
I should have a plan for what would happen if I fainted or collapsed on the side of the road from not eating...but I guess I don't want to admit that it could happen? I don't know. I don't have a plan anyways.
I saw a dead squirrel on the road a block or so later, recently dead by the looks of it. And anyone who knows me well enough knows that I DONT like dead things. They do not go good with me.
So he freaked me out. And not only that, but he made me think of what my body would look like, just sprawled out in the middle of the road, a lifeless mass of cells just...not moving.
I'm scared. Not going to lie.
They honked their horns and whatever, which only scared me to death - I was already out of their way by that time. But I could have been hit - they were so so close. And this is a really big deal to me, because I've considered this my form of suicide.
Even just as I wrote that this popped into my head:
she sits in the full bathtub, her hair floating around her. Her bikini on because she was afraid of people seeing how truly ugly she was. She looked at her stomach, the words "Perfect" and "Fat" carved into it by her own hand. A tear fell from her eye. She had taken all her makeup off, it was just her now. When she was dead, her body would be discovered and someone would finally see the words that broke her skin, the bones that were visible. They would finally know something was wrong with the pristine, smart little girl they all seemed to "know so well".
Only her and only her decision. Her blowdryer rested on the side of the bath, within her reach. One slip of the hand, and she would fry in her own bathwater. One slip of the hand, she would scream, the pain would consume her and she would never have to feel ever again. No more starvation. No more ignorance. No more heartache. Just an eternity of nothingness, and whatever comes along with the peacefull silence.
Could she do it?
..wait. This is where my thoughts are headed? I'm going to start crying. I don't want to die...or maybe I do. I don't fucking know anymore. And it doesn't matter. Maybe Ryan's right, maybe I am just broken. But I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything.
I want to drink until I don't know my name, or just stay in my room for endless hours, pouring over the silence and just...being. I probably wouldn't even cry.
And if that car had hit me, and I would have tried to call Ryan he wouldn't have picked up. I tried texting him with no response at all so I could stop by and pick up my iPod from his house - I was headed that way anyways. But he texted back two hours later saying he wasn't home.
He wouldn't have been around if I fell and couldn't get back up, or fainted on the side of the road from hunger, or just couldn't move. He wouldn't have been here.
It would have just been me. And I don't know what I would have done.
I should have a plan for what would happen if I fainted or collapsed on the side of the road from not eating...but I guess I don't want to admit that it could happen? I don't know. I don't have a plan anyways.
I saw a dead squirrel on the road a block or so later, recently dead by the looks of it. And anyone who knows me well enough knows that I DONT like dead things. They do not go good with me.
So he freaked me out. And not only that, but he made me think of what my body would look like, just sprawled out in the middle of the road, a lifeless mass of cells just...not moving.
I'm scared. Not going to lie.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I Am Snape.
Today's been whatever. I'm basically at 0 cals so I don't really care about that.
I'm worrying now that Ryan isn't going to want me when I'm done, and I don't know what his reaction would be if I told him. But I can't say that I don't not like him asking me about whether I'm eating or not...
What's wrong with me? Hell if I know...
I'm just beginning to really feel like this all is a HUGE competition. Who can be the skinniest, who can compete to get the guy, and it really all sucks. I think that life should just be a fairytale. The princess gets saved by a prince in shining armour - the one that she wants - and they live happily ever after with their company being all that is needed.
No duh, this is never going to happen, but if it did I would seriously be probably the happiest girl ever. I wish everything would just hurry up and be okay again...
I don't know, I'm beginning to think I've just given up on every other guy. If you're a fan of Harry Potter you'll get this reference - it's from mainly the seventh book.
How Snape feels for Lily? I think that's what's going to be me and Ryan... Like I'm going to just spend so much time on him when I could have easily moved on, and there's nothing I can do to move on...like I'm trapped.
I'd find a clip if i could, but the movie came out today in theathers...
I don't want to waste away my life, but at the same time, why not? I feel like he's the only one I'm going to really love, and that's all. Unfortunatly I'm 15, but at the same time, what's age to define something like this anyways? It's been ever since I met him three years ago.. :/
-sigh-
That Mason dude, yeah I don't think anything's actually happening, we're not as close as I thought we were I guess... and he doesn't ask "what's up" he just says "are you okay?"
um...no but I'm going to tell you I'm fine anyways. fucker. :/ grr.
I'm worrying now that Ryan isn't going to want me when I'm done, and I don't know what his reaction would be if I told him. But I can't say that I don't not like him asking me about whether I'm eating or not...
What's wrong with me? Hell if I know...
I'm just beginning to really feel like this all is a HUGE competition. Who can be the skinniest, who can compete to get the guy, and it really all sucks. I think that life should just be a fairytale. The princess gets saved by a prince in shining armour - the one that she wants - and they live happily ever after with their company being all that is needed.
No duh, this is never going to happen, but if it did I would seriously be probably the happiest girl ever. I wish everything would just hurry up and be okay again...
I don't know, I'm beginning to think I've just given up on every other guy. If you're a fan of Harry Potter you'll get this reference - it's from mainly the seventh book.
How Snape feels for Lily? I think that's what's going to be me and Ryan... Like I'm going to just spend so much time on him when I could have easily moved on, and there's nothing I can do to move on...like I'm trapped.
I'd find a clip if i could, but the movie came out today in theathers...
I don't want to waste away my life, but at the same time, why not? I feel like he's the only one I'm going to really love, and that's all. Unfortunatly I'm 15, but at the same time, what's age to define something like this anyways? It's been ever since I met him three years ago.. :/
-sigh-
That Mason dude, yeah I don't think anything's actually happening, we're not as close as I thought we were I guess... and he doesn't ask "what's up" he just says "are you okay?"
um...no but I'm going to tell you I'm fine anyways. fucker. :/ grr.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Rough Day, New Start
So I have a friend, and she's one of my best friends. We've had our rough days, but I love her to death. When I'm with her though, I feel like starvation isn't the answer - like food is good. And I feel bad about not eating.
I was with her all day today...
Now I'm getting into another swing of ana, with liquid fasts instead of water ones - trying to ease myself back into this once more.
I feel like if i spend less time with her i can fast more, but I can't do that :/ I love her company too much.
AND I FINALLY FIT INTO HER CLOTHES! thank the lord .
when I'm with Ryan all I think about is not eating, and I never do - I refuse food whenever I'm near him.
I might be seeing him on Sunday, so I'm trying to show him how much weight I've lost. I REALLY need a scale though.
The next time I weigh myself I want to have penalites for how long I have to fast because of the weight.
I'm tired of this, but I love it all the same.
I was with her all day today...
Now I'm getting into another swing of ana, with liquid fasts instead of water ones - trying to ease myself back into this once more.
I feel like if i spend less time with her i can fast more, but I can't do that :/ I love her company too much.
AND I FINALLY FIT INTO HER CLOTHES! thank the lord .
when I'm with Ryan all I think about is not eating, and I never do - I refuse food whenever I'm near him.
I might be seeing him on Sunday, so I'm trying to show him how much weight I've lost. I REALLY need a scale though.
The next time I weigh myself I want to have penalites for how long I have to fast because of the weight.
I'm tired of this, but I love it all the same.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Society and Barbies
I feel like I'm dying. This is my first day when during a fast, I ran 2k. Damn. I'm not feeling so great right now. And this all sucks! But I'm on Day 1/7 - I just hope nobody notices that I'm not eating anything at all. I might even go downstairs to make food and then bring it up here to throw it out.
BUT FUCK. This hurts. I've been so moody all day too (no it's not that time of month).
I'm wondering when I see Ryan again, if he's going to notice the weight loss. This is good thinspiration for me right now...loosing weight so he'll notice. He knows about Ana, but he doesn't notice the weight loss typically. I'm just working on controlling what I'm thinking towards food right now. Food is bad. Food is disgusting and it makes you fat. Repition works.
I just need to be skinny. But I'm not skinny, I'm dizzy.
Society sucks. It really does. It's to blame for all these eating disorders, for the weight loss initiatives, for the make-up and the beauty products. If society didn't portray women as "needing to be perfect little Barbies" then we wouldn't care about our straight teeth, or what shade of make-up we have on. It would be how it should be - looking for personality and liking each other for who we are. I sometimes wish we were just skinny blobs, ALL OF US, so that we only know each other by personality.
But obviously that's never going to ever happen, so I shouldn't even get my hopes up. Society isn't going to change, so we're all stuck making sure we're doing everything we can to reach that stage of Barbie-doll.
So I'm trying, but I think it's changing me too much personality-wise right now.
All my friends are growing distant, and that's okay with me? It's mainly me and Ana right now. I'm fending for myself again - which isn't a bad thing,but it gives me more space for Ana. Isolation works in so many ways for starvation. But at the same time, would things be different if I was surrounded by loving, caring friends? Probably not. Food is still evil.
I didn't go to my counselling appointment today. I didn't want to and asked my mother to cancel because "there really isn't a good reason for me to go any more" my words, not hers.
Hell yes there is a good reason to go, but HELL NO am I wanting to sit in a chair and vent to someone I only met once and thinks they know everything through my head. I'm not saying that they don't know things about what I'm going through. But I am saying that I'm not like everyone else.
I feel like I just want to stay asleep forever. I could eat as much as I wanted and never gain a pound. It would be...like Heaven.
P.S. I am rather scared I'm going to turn suicidal again. That was not a fun place...
Life is a bitch, and then you die. End of story?
BUT FUCK. This hurts. I've been so moody all day too (no it's not that time of month).
I'm wondering when I see Ryan again, if he's going to notice the weight loss. This is good thinspiration for me right now...loosing weight so he'll notice. He knows about Ana, but he doesn't notice the weight loss typically. I'm just working on controlling what I'm thinking towards food right now. Food is bad. Food is disgusting and it makes you fat. Repition works.
I just need to be skinny. But I'm not skinny, I'm dizzy.
Society sucks. It really does. It's to blame for all these eating disorders, for the weight loss initiatives, for the make-up and the beauty products. If society didn't portray women as "needing to be perfect little Barbies" then we wouldn't care about our straight teeth, or what shade of make-up we have on. It would be how it should be - looking for personality and liking each other for who we are. I sometimes wish we were just skinny blobs, ALL OF US, so that we only know each other by personality.
But obviously that's never going to ever happen, so I shouldn't even get my hopes up. Society isn't going to change, so we're all stuck making sure we're doing everything we can to reach that stage of Barbie-doll.
So I'm trying, but I think it's changing me too much personality-wise right now.
All my friends are growing distant, and that's okay with me? It's mainly me and Ana right now. I'm fending for myself again - which isn't a bad thing,but it gives me more space for Ana. Isolation works in so many ways for starvation. But at the same time, would things be different if I was surrounded by loving, caring friends? Probably not. Food is still evil.
I didn't go to my counselling appointment today. I didn't want to and asked my mother to cancel because "there really isn't a good reason for me to go any more" my words, not hers.
Hell yes there is a good reason to go, but HELL NO am I wanting to sit in a chair and vent to someone I only met once and thinks they know everything through my head. I'm not saying that they don't know things about what I'm going through. But I am saying that I'm not like everyone else.
I feel like I just want to stay asleep forever. I could eat as much as I wanted and never gain a pound. It would be...like Heaven.
P.S. I am rather scared I'm going to turn suicidal again. That was not a fun place...
Life is a bitch, and then you die. End of story?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Just Whatever.
My friend has been through some stuff, yes that's true. But she's being such a dramaqueen about it. She's head of all of these organizations against youth violence and stuff like that, yet she can't find her way out of cutting. Which I totally understand, but she should have found a different way then cutting to begin with. And she's so open about things, you know? Like "hi, I haven't met you before" HER: "oh, well nice to meet you, here's my life story on a silver platter for you to judge"
Like...there should be a level of discresion used with people. Maybe that's just me talking because I'm so used to not having the world know about me or what I do, but you don't go spreading your life story like it's a box of doughnuts (sorry, I'm hungry).
She has had drama with this guy, and it's completely understandable that she would be hurting over him, but it was about three months ago, and she's STILL ON IT. I don't know if that's because of her past or that she just holds onto things, but she can't effin save everyone and she needs to get that through her head!
I should never have told her about ana. She's trying a 24 hour fast starting at ten tonight - it's twelve thirty right now. I don't know what she's going to get from this but a look into my life. I've done 50... she doesn't know I purge and she won't know.
BY THE WAY,
I've started not sleeping...like enough at all! It TANKS. I am not happy about that! You loose calories when you sleep and I just can't!!! I sat in bed for SO LONG last night and got completely nowhere. All I could think about was how hungry I was and how much it hurt. And there were so many things spinning in my head! Things about Matt, and Ryan and Mason and Karyn and Erin and Brittany. How I've hurt so many of them, how I've drifted apart from so many other people.
And I'm sitting here typing at 12:30 in the morning...yeah another sleepless night? I believe so. I can't sleep...again. >.>
So I don't know what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY BY SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER.
Like...there should be a level of discresion used with people. Maybe that's just me talking because I'm so used to not having the world know about me or what I do, but you don't go spreading your life story like it's a box of doughnuts (sorry, I'm hungry).
She has had drama with this guy, and it's completely understandable that she would be hurting over him, but it was about three months ago, and she's STILL ON IT. I don't know if that's because of her past or that she just holds onto things, but she can't effin save everyone and she needs to get that through her head!
I should never have told her about ana. She's trying a 24 hour fast starting at ten tonight - it's twelve thirty right now. I don't know what she's going to get from this but a look into my life. I've done 50... she doesn't know I purge and she won't know.
BY THE WAY,
I've started not sleeping...like enough at all! It TANKS. I am not happy about that! You loose calories when you sleep and I just can't!!! I sat in bed for SO LONG last night and got completely nowhere. All I could think about was how hungry I was and how much it hurt. And there were so many things spinning in my head! Things about Matt, and Ryan and Mason and Karyn and Erin and Brittany. How I've hurt so many of them, how I've drifted apart from so many other people.
And I'm sitting here typing at 12:30 in the morning...yeah another sleepless night? I believe so. I can't sleep...again. >.>
So I don't know what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY BY SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I Feel Like I Should be Crying...
but I'm not...
I found pictures of a pool party that I went to last weekend on facebook, and I really saw myself in a bikini. GROSS. Honestly, I'm seriously disgusting. This is the best thinspiration I could have ever asked for - I've been questioning whether I should just give up on my fast ALL DAY. Now I know I should just NEVER EAT EVER AGAIN.
I'm upset that I'll never have Ryan.
I'm upset that I've still hurt so many people.
I'm upset that I'm a fat piece of shit still.
I'm happy I'm hungry.
Noone really seems to get that besides my friends from PT. They know what I'm doing. But noone else does, so I can't expect them to. I'm simply scared right now that I'm going to binge without being able to purge.
and I think I stopped permanently wearing my tree pendant. I traded it for a labradorite heart instead. I think it might help more...but I'm not sure. This is the only day since last September that I haven't worn my tree and I'm feeling a bit...anxious.
I want to find a second job, I need something else to occupy my time with. It feels like many friends are just slipping away, and unfortunatly that means alot of time to myself. And to think about food. My mom and bro made cupcakes tonight, and when I got home from babysitting I smelled them and almost had one - it took every ounce of my willpower not to take one.
Thank God I didn't - i would be over a toilet puking right now.
Stupid swimsuit pictures... >.>
I just feel like everything could be going so much more normally if it weren't for this eating/dieting problem. It's not even a problem anymore, it's just how I live now. Starve, Binge, Purge, It's just what happens...
I'm pretty sure I'm just going to give up on Mason for now...
Matt's talking to me again, and we're talking like normal for once...so that's nice.
Ryan's too preoccupied with his girlfriend and his parents to really ask me about Ana. (Thank God?)
They just need to all wait until I'm a perfect skinny little one with no fat on her bones. Then I'll be happy.
I found pictures of a pool party that I went to last weekend on facebook, and I really saw myself in a bikini. GROSS. Honestly, I'm seriously disgusting. This is the best thinspiration I could have ever asked for - I've been questioning whether I should just give up on my fast ALL DAY. Now I know I should just NEVER EAT EVER AGAIN.
I'm upset that I'll never have Ryan.
I'm upset that I've still hurt so many people.
I'm upset that I'm a fat piece of shit still.
I'm happy I'm hungry.
Noone really seems to get that besides my friends from PT. They know what I'm doing. But noone else does, so I can't expect them to. I'm simply scared right now that I'm going to binge without being able to purge.
and I think I stopped permanently wearing my tree pendant. I traded it for a labradorite heart instead. I think it might help more...but I'm not sure. This is the only day since last September that I haven't worn my tree and I'm feeling a bit...anxious.
I want to find a second job, I need something else to occupy my time with. It feels like many friends are just slipping away, and unfortunatly that means alot of time to myself. And to think about food. My mom and bro made cupcakes tonight, and when I got home from babysitting I smelled them and almost had one - it took every ounce of my willpower not to take one.
Thank God I didn't - i would be over a toilet puking right now.
Stupid swimsuit pictures... >.>
I just feel like everything could be going so much more normally if it weren't for this eating/dieting problem. It's not even a problem anymore, it's just how I live now. Starve, Binge, Purge, It's just what happens...
I'm pretty sure I'm just going to give up on Mason for now...
Matt's talking to me again, and we're talking like normal for once...so that's nice.
Ryan's too preoccupied with his girlfriend and his parents to really ask me about Ana. (Thank God?)
They just need to all wait until I'm a perfect skinny little one with no fat on her bones. Then I'll be happy.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Followed by Ana
I can't escape this ED, and I don't want to. It's my comfort right now, when everything else seems to be going downhill anyways...Ryan, Matt, Mason, Parental Situation...
Everyone's trying to help. I regret telling Mason that I don't eat. I thought it would bring us closer, but I think it's only spreading us further apart. I'm getting repulsed that he would even try to shove that cookie in my face yesterday - honestly, how rude! This girl is annorexic and you're shoving a chocolate cookie in her face? Do you know how much she really wanted to take that cookie - or the whole box of cookies - and shove her face in them? If she did that though, she would have to go puke over a toilet for like an hour ... stupid guilt ride major.
Whatever.
I don't know what I'm feeling for Mason right now. I wish things didn't have to be so stupid. I know that Karyn likes him, but I also knows that she thinks I like him - which I'm not denying, but questioning. I wish that I would just have everything fall into place and finish with this all.
He's such a dick, and Karyn fails to see this somehow.
That stupid cookie situation = turnoff
He's always complaining about bruises = turnoff
All he talks about is football = turnoff
Can't carry a conversation with me = turnoff.
A relationship is supposed to be based off of communication, and if we can't even do that then I don't know how I ever thought we would work. He shouldn't even know about the ED, i think he doesn't know how to deal with it, and because of that I think he's a bit weirded out.
I'm contemplating not talking to Ryan for a little while. He owes me over seven hugs, but whatever.
Everytime I'm with him I'm scared to talk about my ED, I don't want to overwhelm him either. But when we went on the walk-retreat a few weeks ago, it was nice because we both just talked and that was all. Just talking and getting lost while walking - it was amazing actually. Clearing my head while being with him.
I just wish he could know everything. How his girlfriend is my biggest thinspiration and how I really do love him with all my heart. This shit with Mason and Matt, they're because of him too - I have a hard enough time wrapping my own head around that fact. If it wasn't for Ryan I probably would have liked Matt alot more and that might have worked for longer then three days. I might be really into Mason if he wasn't being so protective and saying how Mason's just going to toss me to the side or whatever. I don't care if Mason does or will, I'm getting used to being tossed aside by guys lately.
First Ryan, then Matt. Now I think I'm heading int he direction of being apart from Mason too. Karyn can have him.
I don't feel good enough for anyone. Noone should have to stand being my friend, all I do is think about my ED and what I'm eating. Literally, that's next to all I'm thinking about now.
Reading has begun to help. I'm finding that if I can disappear into a book, nothing else matters and I won't have to think about eating or rather not eating - or anyone who has ever talked shit about me or fallen apart form me or hated me or left me there to starve...or helped me.
I hate that everyone I've told seems so concerned for me, I'll be fine. It's just me and Ana.
I've started almost picturing ana, like there's a girl following me and telling me that I don't need to eat. It's comforting to me. But then Ryan's voice echoes in my head "eat"
and I only say "if you only knew the reason, it's all because of you"
in five minutes i'll be on hour 43 of my 48+ hour fast. I'm feeling strong, like I don't even need the food to keep me going. But I'm babysitting in half an hour, and I'm working first thing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to need to think of a game plan to have enough energy to not pass out at work...I'm thinking half an apple tonight half an apple tomorrow morning...sticking to fruit is good. Fiber is good.
I've had so many cups of tea and water that I'm surprised I haven't exploded yet.
I want to be the girl in the photoshoot, the one that looks skinny, sexy and attractive. Anyone who tells me I already look like that is a liar.
About Matt...I can't even put into words how sorry I still am. I had to explain to him my situation over facebook, and unfortunatly I couldn't get the point across in the right way to finally say that I'm really and truly sorry.
He asked me what was going through my head when I kissed him on Britt's bed. I said that I wanted to, and I thought he wanted to too...so I kissed him.
He deserves so much better then me, he really does. I still feel absolutely completely terrible that I screwed his life up so much more then it had to be. I'm sorry that he turned down girls while hoping to get back with me, I'm sorry that I kept kissing him when I knew that I should have been doing differently. I know that I was wrong, but I know that there's really nothing more that I can do to make it right right now.
I don't think he wants my help, or my words talking to him. He has enough problems without knowing the problems of an anorexic teenager who just really hates where she is right now.
My parental situation is really an odd one. Mom is forcing me to go to Dad's every second WEEK now, and she won't take no for an answer. Not that I really care anymore, I'm just a two year old with high strung emotions that isn't eating whose getting shipped back and forth like a piece of luggage - no big deal.
I feel like I can't have a boyfriend right now. Karyn said something the other day that really amazed me, she quoted RENT i think and it was like "you can't love others until you learn to love yourself" and unforunatly i don't love myself - I don't know when I will. Maybe when I'm finally in Ryan's arms? Which might not even ever happen -.-
How can someone love a girl with Ana following her?
Everyone's trying to help. I regret telling Mason that I don't eat. I thought it would bring us closer, but I think it's only spreading us further apart. I'm getting repulsed that he would even try to shove that cookie in my face yesterday - honestly, how rude! This girl is annorexic and you're shoving a chocolate cookie in her face? Do you know how much she really wanted to take that cookie - or the whole box of cookies - and shove her face in them? If she did that though, she would have to go puke over a toilet for like an hour ... stupid guilt ride major.
Whatever.
I don't know what I'm feeling for Mason right now. I wish things didn't have to be so stupid. I know that Karyn likes him, but I also knows that she thinks I like him - which I'm not denying, but questioning. I wish that I would just have everything fall into place and finish with this all.
He's such a dick, and Karyn fails to see this somehow.
That stupid cookie situation = turnoff
He's always complaining about bruises = turnoff
All he talks about is football = turnoff
Can't carry a conversation with me = turnoff.
A relationship is supposed to be based off of communication, and if we can't even do that then I don't know how I ever thought we would work. He shouldn't even know about the ED, i think he doesn't know how to deal with it, and because of that I think he's a bit weirded out.
I'm contemplating not talking to Ryan for a little while. He owes me over seven hugs, but whatever.
Everytime I'm with him I'm scared to talk about my ED, I don't want to overwhelm him either. But when we went on the walk-retreat a few weeks ago, it was nice because we both just talked and that was all. Just talking and getting lost while walking - it was amazing actually. Clearing my head while being with him.
I just wish he could know everything. How his girlfriend is my biggest thinspiration and how I really do love him with all my heart. This shit with Mason and Matt, they're because of him too - I have a hard enough time wrapping my own head around that fact. If it wasn't for Ryan I probably would have liked Matt alot more and that might have worked for longer then three days. I might be really into Mason if he wasn't being so protective and saying how Mason's just going to toss me to the side or whatever. I don't care if Mason does or will, I'm getting used to being tossed aside by guys lately.
First Ryan, then Matt. Now I think I'm heading int he direction of being apart from Mason too. Karyn can have him.
I don't feel good enough for anyone. Noone should have to stand being my friend, all I do is think about my ED and what I'm eating. Literally, that's next to all I'm thinking about now.
Reading has begun to help. I'm finding that if I can disappear into a book, nothing else matters and I won't have to think about eating or rather not eating - or anyone who has ever talked shit about me or fallen apart form me or hated me or left me there to starve...or helped me.
I hate that everyone I've told seems so concerned for me, I'll be fine. It's just me and Ana.
I've started almost picturing ana, like there's a girl following me and telling me that I don't need to eat. It's comforting to me. But then Ryan's voice echoes in my head "eat"
and I only say "if you only knew the reason, it's all because of you"
in five minutes i'll be on hour 43 of my 48+ hour fast. I'm feeling strong, like I don't even need the food to keep me going. But I'm babysitting in half an hour, and I'm working first thing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to need to think of a game plan to have enough energy to not pass out at work...I'm thinking half an apple tonight half an apple tomorrow morning...sticking to fruit is good. Fiber is good.
I've had so many cups of tea and water that I'm surprised I haven't exploded yet.
I want to be the girl in the photoshoot, the one that looks skinny, sexy and attractive. Anyone who tells me I already look like that is a liar.
About Matt...I can't even put into words how sorry I still am. I had to explain to him my situation over facebook, and unfortunatly I couldn't get the point across in the right way to finally say that I'm really and truly sorry.
He asked me what was going through my head when I kissed him on Britt's bed. I said that I wanted to, and I thought he wanted to too...so I kissed him.
He deserves so much better then me, he really does. I still feel absolutely completely terrible that I screwed his life up so much more then it had to be. I'm sorry that he turned down girls while hoping to get back with me, I'm sorry that I kept kissing him when I knew that I should have been doing differently. I know that I was wrong, but I know that there's really nothing more that I can do to make it right right now.
I don't think he wants my help, or my words talking to him. He has enough problems without knowing the problems of an anorexic teenager who just really hates where she is right now.
My parental situation is really an odd one. Mom is forcing me to go to Dad's every second WEEK now, and she won't take no for an answer. Not that I really care anymore, I'm just a two year old with high strung emotions that isn't eating whose getting shipped back and forth like a piece of luggage - no big deal.
I feel like I can't have a boyfriend right now. Karyn said something the other day that really amazed me, she quoted RENT i think and it was like "you can't love others until you learn to love yourself" and unforunatly i don't love myself - I don't know when I will. Maybe when I'm finally in Ryan's arms? Which might not even ever happen -.-
How can someone love a girl with Ana following her?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friends With Benefits...Starting?
I figured out my main thinspiration. Being able to go into a photoshoot and look like the skinny girls, where their legs don't touch in their inner thighs, and their arms don't touch the handles on their stomach. Where they can walk a few steps without having fat shaking and jiggling like goo all around them. That's who I want to be.
And fuck it, my mom can take whatever freedom she wants from me, I don't even care, because in the end this is what I really care about, I need to be skinny, and I need it now.
On the other hand...this guy's name is Mason. And him and me started talking again for the first time since seventh grade, and that's nice and everything. But he started flirting, and he had a girlfriend at the time. That being said, I started flirting back because I thought I could like him. And I really do like him right now...
But this is turning into major friends with benefits right here.
I asked if he would go out with me and he had already said yes, but made it seem like he didn't. So I could have easily just been like "I think we should try going out, did you want to go on a date with me?"
but no, I had to sit my sorry ass down and think. I hate it when I do that. I thought about it and realized that I didn't really want to date a player, but I should take the chance because I like him alot.
But when my two friends texted him being like "just ask her out already, you know she likes you!" he chickened and didn't ask me out. So I asked him how he feels about fwb, and he said that it might be better for him right now then a relationship.
So that's the start of that. I want to have him so badly....Just have him with me and be able to look at him and kiss him. I don't love him, I don't even know if I like him as much as I think I do. But I'm only concerned that I only like him because he's someone who does like me, when I don't even like myself. I want to be skinny, remember?
So that raises a whole other question of could I date someone really and truly when I have ana on my back?
The answer = probably not as good as I would want to...
but I could fake anything, so it seems.
I've gotten so good at covering for things it honestly rocks.
This post will have to be finished later, I'm with a friend and I don't want her to see...
And fuck it, my mom can take whatever freedom she wants from me, I don't even care, because in the end this is what I really care about, I need to be skinny, and I need it now.
On the other hand...this guy's name is Mason. And him and me started talking again for the first time since seventh grade, and that's nice and everything. But he started flirting, and he had a girlfriend at the time. That being said, I started flirting back because I thought I could like him. And I really do like him right now...
But this is turning into major friends with benefits right here.
I asked if he would go out with me and he had already said yes, but made it seem like he didn't. So I could have easily just been like "I think we should try going out, did you want to go on a date with me?"
but no, I had to sit my sorry ass down and think. I hate it when I do that. I thought about it and realized that I didn't really want to date a player, but I should take the chance because I like him alot.
But when my two friends texted him being like "just ask her out already, you know she likes you!" he chickened and didn't ask me out. So I asked him how he feels about fwb, and he said that it might be better for him right now then a relationship.
So that's the start of that. I want to have him so badly....Just have him with me and be able to look at him and kiss him. I don't love him, I don't even know if I like him as much as I think I do. But I'm only concerned that I only like him because he's someone who does like me, when I don't even like myself. I want to be skinny, remember?
So that raises a whole other question of could I date someone really and truly when I have ana on my back?
The answer = probably not as good as I would want to...
but I could fake anything, so it seems.
I've gotten so good at covering for things it honestly rocks.
This post will have to be finished later, I'm with a friend and I don't want her to see...
Monday, July 4, 2011
You Could Be My Hero
Hero - Enrique Iglasias
Let me be your hero
Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh oh please tell me these
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight?
(Chorus)
I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie would you run away
Am I in to deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight
I just want to hold you
I just want to hold youAm I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care you're here tonight
You can take my breath my breath away
I can be your hero
Quite possibly the best thinspiration song I have ever heard in my entire life.
When I listened to this, all I could think about was how Ryan would rather sing this to his girlfriend then to me. I want him to be MY hero. I just want to hold you.
Ryan doesn't even understand the effect he has on me. I have his sweater that he leant me last night and it still smells like him - I know that sounds pretty creepy. But I can't have it not in eyesight.
I was wearing it around my waist last night because I thought that it would represent having his arms around me. I just wish he would have chosen me instead of Rieki.
I would dance, I was run, I would cry, I would save your soul, I would tremble, I would laugh, I would die, I would hold you.
Please be my hero, kiss away my pain, stand by me forever and take my breath away.
I would swear I would always be yours, I would stay with you tonight.
I just want to hold you, please take my breath away and be my hero.
Let me be your hero
Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh oh please tell me these
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight?
(Chorus)
I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie would you run away
Am I in to deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight
I just want to hold you
I just want to hold youAm I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care you're here tonight
You can take my breath my breath away
I can be your hero
Quite possibly the best thinspiration song I have ever heard in my entire life.
When I listened to this, all I could think about was how Ryan would rather sing this to his girlfriend then to me. I want him to be MY hero. I just want to hold you.
Ryan doesn't even understand the effect he has on me. I have his sweater that he leant me last night and it still smells like him - I know that sounds pretty creepy. But I can't have it not in eyesight.
I was wearing it around my waist last night because I thought that it would represent having his arms around me. I just wish he would have chosen me instead of Rieki.
I would dance, I was run, I would cry, I would save your soul, I would tremble, I would laugh, I would die, I would hold you.
Please be my hero, kiss away my pain, stand by me forever and take my breath away.
I would swear I would always be yours, I would stay with you tonight.
I just want to hold you, please take my breath away and be my hero.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Want me when I'm done.
I read my friend Karyn's blog post about Canada day.
I invited her to come with us because i thought it would be cool to have a group of us going, but she really only talked about her life or Steven - I understand that he was a big part of her life, but she doesn't have to talk about it to someone like me who doesn't want to ever hear his name again. He fucked up so much - honestly - and he ruined the Washington trip for us all. Everyone would be better without him, and I'm not saying that he should go die or anything. I just don't want his drama to be around everyone.
And i don't even understand why this drama is around HIM, he's not cute, and I can't see why people like him or want to be his girlfriend. I know it sounds really bitchy of me to say this, and I don't even blame anything for it - I'm turning into such a bitch and I know it.
I'm still upset about Matt. Not as much as before, but it's still in the back of my mind.
I really didn't mean for anything to happen like it did, and I feel SO SO bad still. We were at Canada day and I was explaining to Becca how Matt called me basically a worthless piece of shit, and Karyn was all like "oh pfft he calls everyone that :3"
...yeah no. I'm sorry that he might have called everyone some form of that, but we had just broke up and i had just broke his heart, so i was already feeling bad. I didn't mean to...
And he's saying that i used him. This isn't entirely false. I didn't mean to use him, it just kind of got to the point where I liked the attention and someone who actually cared about me showing affection for once. I feel so so bad that it got to that.
It felt like I was just testing the water, wondering if we should get back together. But I turned my back on that too, just like everything else I seemed to be doing lately.
You wanted me back so bad, and I could feel the attraction, but for you not for me. I still don't like you in that way, and I don't think I ever will. I tried to like you the first time, and wanted it to work for the first day, but we broke up two days later. I didn't want this, and I still feel like complete crap about it.
And I'm with Ryan alot now (you know...person #1) And that's been amazing. But his girlfriend, Rieki is with us. Her picture is under the thinsporation post. She is my biggest thinsporation. All I really want is Ryan. And that's really all I want for this life right now. It's not even a bad thing that he has a girlfriend. When he isn't with someone, there are so many other options for him that aren't me. But when he has a girlfriend, I know there's only one girl I get to compete with.
I'm sorry that he might not even like me when he gets out of this relationship - if he does.
But the only thing I'm upset about with him right now is that the relationship is actually going amazingly for them. And I'm uber happy for both of them. I'm good friends with Rieki as well, and she's sweet but surprisingly like me, i dont know how to take that either.
I just want it to be me with him, and be able to kiss him whenever I want and be around him all the time, and have him want to be with me. But Rieki and Ryan are doing so good, I don't know if I'm going to get the chance.
Hopefully by prom I'll have him. That would be amazing.
Secondary problem with him, he knows about mia and ana. So he's worried sick that I'm not eating and when I do I'm upchucking. I'm worried sick about him - I always am. I call him Superman because he takes on everyone's problems all at once and worries like fuck over them all.
I'm so scared that he's just going to take on too much and then blow up like a cadbury creme egg.
And everyone was in such a down mood today. I hung out with Denise, Grant, Rieki and Ryan. Denise was worrying about her drama with Andrew, Grant had some personal issues that I'm not close enough to him to know about (completely understandable). Rieki was good, helping Grant (which Ryan was...not ticked...but a little put off about because this was the one case that he couldn't help with). so Ryan had some issues too.
It was just a weird night. And Rieki and me ran to wal-mart to get ice cream and shit to mix into it to make milkshakes. that was funny. Ryan had fun too (:
but I hated eating, I know it makes Ryan happy though.
It just kills me to eat still - I know that I shouldn't be eating anymore but then I do and I get so fed up with myself. I either binge or live with it and hate my guts. I don't think Ryan understands that about me unfortunatly...this is a disease.
It just sucks so bad that theres one person I want and its him that i STILL can't have. of course.
And he doesn't even know because I don't tell him. If I did then things would get all weird and fucked again and I don't think he'd be as comfortable around me with Rieki.
So again I'm keeping this one to myself.
And I'm not eating tomorrow - bottom line. I'm locking myself in my room and saying I'm not feeling well or someshit and I'm refusing to eat.
When I'm skinny you'll see what I would do for you. You can have all of me.
I just hope you'll want me when I'm done.
I invited her to come with us because i thought it would be cool to have a group of us going, but she really only talked about her life or Steven - I understand that he was a big part of her life, but she doesn't have to talk about it to someone like me who doesn't want to ever hear his name again. He fucked up so much - honestly - and he ruined the Washington trip for us all. Everyone would be better without him, and I'm not saying that he should go die or anything. I just don't want his drama to be around everyone.
And i don't even understand why this drama is around HIM, he's not cute, and I can't see why people like him or want to be his girlfriend. I know it sounds really bitchy of me to say this, and I don't even blame anything for it - I'm turning into such a bitch and I know it.
I'm still upset about Matt. Not as much as before, but it's still in the back of my mind.
I really didn't mean for anything to happen like it did, and I feel SO SO bad still. We were at Canada day and I was explaining to Becca how Matt called me basically a worthless piece of shit, and Karyn was all like "oh pfft he calls everyone that :3"
...yeah no. I'm sorry that he might have called everyone some form of that, but we had just broke up and i had just broke his heart, so i was already feeling bad. I didn't mean to...
And he's saying that i used him. This isn't entirely false. I didn't mean to use him, it just kind of got to the point where I liked the attention and someone who actually cared about me showing affection for once. I feel so so bad that it got to that.
It felt like I was just testing the water, wondering if we should get back together. But I turned my back on that too, just like everything else I seemed to be doing lately.
You wanted me back so bad, and I could feel the attraction, but for you not for me. I still don't like you in that way, and I don't think I ever will. I tried to like you the first time, and wanted it to work for the first day, but we broke up two days later. I didn't want this, and I still feel like complete crap about it.
And I'm with Ryan alot now (you know...person #1) And that's been amazing. But his girlfriend, Rieki is with us. Her picture is under the thinsporation post. She is my biggest thinsporation. All I really want is Ryan. And that's really all I want for this life right now. It's not even a bad thing that he has a girlfriend. When he isn't with someone, there are so many other options for him that aren't me. But when he has a girlfriend, I know there's only one girl I get to compete with.
I'm sorry that he might not even like me when he gets out of this relationship - if he does.
But the only thing I'm upset about with him right now is that the relationship is actually going amazingly for them. And I'm uber happy for both of them. I'm good friends with Rieki as well, and she's sweet but surprisingly like me, i dont know how to take that either.
I just want it to be me with him, and be able to kiss him whenever I want and be around him all the time, and have him want to be with me. But Rieki and Ryan are doing so good, I don't know if I'm going to get the chance.
Hopefully by prom I'll have him. That would be amazing.
Secondary problem with him, he knows about mia and ana. So he's worried sick that I'm not eating and when I do I'm upchucking. I'm worried sick about him - I always am. I call him Superman because he takes on everyone's problems all at once and worries like fuck over them all.
I'm so scared that he's just going to take on too much and then blow up like a cadbury creme egg.
And everyone was in such a down mood today. I hung out with Denise, Grant, Rieki and Ryan. Denise was worrying about her drama with Andrew, Grant had some personal issues that I'm not close enough to him to know about (completely understandable). Rieki was good, helping Grant (which Ryan was...not ticked...but a little put off about because this was the one case that he couldn't help with). so Ryan had some issues too.
It was just a weird night. And Rieki and me ran to wal-mart to get ice cream and shit to mix into it to make milkshakes. that was funny. Ryan had fun too (:
but I hated eating, I know it makes Ryan happy though.
It just kills me to eat still - I know that I shouldn't be eating anymore but then I do and I get so fed up with myself. I either binge or live with it and hate my guts. I don't think Ryan understands that about me unfortunatly...this is a disease.
It just sucks so bad that theres one person I want and its him that i STILL can't have. of course.
And he doesn't even know because I don't tell him. If I did then things would get all weird and fucked again and I don't think he'd be as comfortable around me with Rieki.
So again I'm keeping this one to myself.
And I'm not eating tomorrow - bottom line. I'm locking myself in my room and saying I'm not feeling well or someshit and I'm refusing to eat.
When I'm skinny you'll see what I would do for you. You can have all of me.
I just hope you'll want me when I'm done.
Friday, July 1, 2011
pissy day
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to get this far - and i know i have said that alot now.
It's all because of you. Ryan. You are everything, and I know that sounds ridiculous coming from a fifteen year old girl, but I've loved you for so long now - and yes love - that i would do absolutely anything for you, including starve myself just to let you see me.
Your girlfriend, shes my thinsporation. She's a perfect skinny blonde with a nice attitude and no problems.
I'm sorry i'm not skinny - that at least i can control.
When I'm skinny, you'll finally love me as more then a friend.
I'm so pissed off today. Matt deleted me off his phone and wont talk to me at all. I didn't mean to screw everything up. Every time i come back into his life i fuck something up, and i hate it. I didn't mean to make him think i was playing with him - i wasnt.
I'm sorry that he likes me, and I'm sorry that i said no.
I'm sorry hes like this, but i'm so upset with myself now.
I didn't mean to do this to you...
I ate so much today, I feel absolutely disgusting . Who would love a fat girl ?
It's all because of you. Ryan. You are everything, and I know that sounds ridiculous coming from a fifteen year old girl, but I've loved you for so long now - and yes love - that i would do absolutely anything for you, including starve myself just to let you see me.
Your girlfriend, shes my thinsporation. She's a perfect skinny blonde with a nice attitude and no problems.
I'm sorry i'm not skinny - that at least i can control.
When I'm skinny, you'll finally love me as more then a friend.
I'm so pissed off today. Matt deleted me off his phone and wont talk to me at all. I didn't mean to screw everything up. Every time i come back into his life i fuck something up, and i hate it. I didn't mean to make him think i was playing with him - i wasnt.
I'm sorry that he likes me, and I'm sorry that i said no.
I'm sorry hes like this, but i'm so upset with myself now.
I didn't mean to do this to you...
I ate so much today, I feel absolutely disgusting . Who would love a fat girl ?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thinspiration,my style.
What is thinspo to me?
Anything that brings me the want to starve.
Biggest thinspo?
...your girlfriend...
...my fat body...
what i could look like
that i could have you
that i want you to bad
the skinny girls around me
the clubs i would love
the parties i could have
the gross food
how disgusting i am
you forcing me
you wanting me to eat
the lack of attention
worthlessness
never good enough
Best picture?
yeah that's him and his gf.
This is what i'm competing with
This is what i'm competing with
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