Thinspiration,my style.

What is thinspo to me?

Anything that brings me the want to starve.

Biggest thinspo?

...your girlfriend... 

...my fat body...

what i could look like

that i could have you

that i want you to bad

the skinny girls around me

the clubs i would love

the parties i could have

the gross food

how disgusting i am

you forcing me

you wanting me to eat

the lack of attention

worthlessness

never good enough

Best picture?

yeah that's him and his gf.
This is what i'm competing with

let the hardcore begin

I saw the guidance councellor today, and I am not changing my eating at all. I don't want to.

This is now time for hardcore. Today i have had 90 calories with no intention of having any more.
This is the new beginning of hardcore time, tomorrow and the next day are both fasts. if i can get through today, i know i can handle tomorrow and the day after. I just need to sleep it all away...and have the tiniest thing before work so i dont have arm pains from windexing the doors..

you tell me to eat,
I can say no for as long as id like.

This is gonna tank (y)

bitch please.

So now I'm scared.
Brittany has called me a liar, a fake, a tease, a slut, a coward, a runner and I'm feeling so shitty about myself right now. I know I'm not a coward, but what am i supposed to say when she calls me that?

I feel bad for getting into this fight with her, but she had it coming to her. that girl is honestly bad news, and everyone but me somehow can't see that. I don't care about sides, it's not about that. This is me for once in my life standing up for something I know is right.

I just feel absolutely terrible. I'm not a tease. She has no proof to back her up.
Yes, leading guys on is fun when they're playing back - but it takes two to tango!
Her ""proof"" is Wes, Matt, Steven and Adam and Mason - saying that I pulled them all around by their heartstrings.
Here's my explanation

Wes - I was going to hookup with him, and he was playing back. We were going to actually do some shit, but when he put in no effort we stopped talking, and then he got a girlfriend. Excussse me for not wanting to make him cheat.


Matt - I still feel terrible about this one. I didn't mean to do anything. We started flirting again and then making out and shit. Then I figured out he wanted me back so I was trying to test the waters to see if it would be alright. But when he asked if he could see us together, I said no. Final answer, and now everything's done. If Brittany knew how bad I feel about this, maybe she'd understand - it doesn't seem like she can really feel compassion anyways. Bitch.


Adam - idfk who this kid is not going to lie. I met a guy online named Adam, and I haven't talked to him in a few months. I didn't flirt with him at all, we were only friends. He had problems and I had mine and we both talked about them. He lives in Burlington. So this really isn't even an excuse for Brittany to be right.


Steven - idfk who she means. My ex steven? I don't flirt with him, I don't even like him. I'm pretty sure he still likes me though, so I've been trying to keep my distance so he can finally get over me and move on. So not my ex Steven...
Erin and Karyn's Steven? I highly doubt that. I don't like him in the slightest and I haven't talked to him more then twice. 


Mason - I'm not playing this kid, I actually like him. I just need to figure out whether or not I like HIM or the idea of HIM. But i'm definatly not playing him. I really do like him. So she doesn't even know my whole side of this story, but she's calling me out for something that I didn't even do? Bitch.




So you see what I mean? Honestly, I didn't even do anything, or try to do anything. She doesn't exactly have a whole lot against me. She thinks she does.
But she still has no right to be upset. This is why she was upset:

So me and my friends Danielle and Alysia were walking to the Tim Hortons, and when we saw the lineup out the door we thought it would be better to just go to Danielle's house and watch a movie instead. So we texted Brittany who was on her way down with Erin and Steven (two people we didn't want to see either) and told her we're just going home. But we really went to danielle's house. Unfortunatly she saw us. 
....big whoop?


No. 


we did the same to our friend Vicki and she forgot it instantly once we explained. She's NICE.  -_-


So i don't exactly see what the hell you have to back yourself up with right now. bitch.

actual fight fight.

Britt: I don’t know what hours you work this weekend or if you have plans but if you wanna talk I think I’ve cooled down enough to get this over with

Lydia: just got off work. So why the fuck are you pissed at me?

Brittany: because you were an idiot. I mean seriously? What the fuck were you thinking when you pulled that?

Lydia: what the fuck did I pull?

Brittany:  um how about blowing me off, lying to me and uh running and hiding when you saw me and erin?

Lydia: have you even fucking heard our side of the story, huh?

Brittany: ya anyone that’s heard it has told me it cuz apparently you and alysia are too much of a coward to tell me yourselves.

Lydia: excuse me. Do NOT call me a fucking coward. We didn’t do jackshit. And you’re the one that’s talking the fuck through people not to my fucking face.

Brittany: uh excuse me? I haven’t been talking through anyone! They’ve told me shit that you guys have told them. I haven’t been giving anyone messages.

Lydia: you’ve had a problem with me for how fucking long now? And you haven’t talked to me or to my fucking face.

Brittany: yeah I didn’t like how you weren’t fucking talking to me about jackshit. You would talk to Erin (who you apparently don’t even like) but you wouldn’t talk to me.

But I had figured you had a good reason for not talking to me so I just didn’t push it and tried to ignore it. Sure it pissed me off but I didn’t think it was a huge deal.

Lydia: because apparently you were pissed at me, not that you talked to me at fucking all the next day miss “yeah anyone I’ve TALKED to has chemistry first semester”

Then why the fuck are you pissed?

Brittany: omg the whole you not communicating thing was before. I’m pissed because of you lying to me blowing me off and running

Lydia: I lied because we couldn’t have more then us at danielle’s house and we didn’t want a chance of Erin and Steven following us. Its not a big deal. We did the same to Vicki, but she completely understood

Brittany: yeah dube told me. You guys should have just told me instead of being stupid idiotic cowards and running. She understands that.

Lydia: DON’T CALL ME A COWARD. Yes we should have, it was a fucking mistake, but I highly doubt you’re going to take and apology from me anyways.

Brittany: you’re such an idiot! Dube apologized, she’s forgiven. Alysia tried to talk to me but I had other plans so she’s basically forgiven. Why the fuck would I not take an apology from you?

Lydia: because you seem pissed out of your mind. I’m sorry we ran away, I understand that was childish but I don’t understand why you’re the one that’s upset.

Brittany: uh how many times do I have to repeat myself? You blew me off, lied to me and ran. That’s why I was pissed. Now I’m just pissed because you can’t understand that.

I had gotten enough of that from matt and my uncle. I DO NOT need that from you. And the fact that you couldn’t just come to me the next day (or the day after that etc) like Dube did pisses me off more.

Lydia: I’m never going to understand someone who just called me a coward and has called me a tease and a slut behind my back. You can fucking explain that. I am not apologizing for something I don’t regret doing. I have NO respect for you

Brittany: ha! That’s funny because I have no respect for you either. And for your info you are a tease and a slut and a coward. Just like I’m a bitch and a whore. The difference is I’ve accepted it.

If you would pay attention I’ve been calling you these things to your face for a long time now. But you’re also an idiot because you never register it

Lydia: I am nothing like you. You changed me. I would never have smoken pot or smoked cigarettes of you didn’t fucking get me into them. I don’t want to be around some psycho witch who compels people and thinks I pull on guys heartstrings for fun. I am not a tease, and I am not a whore or a coward, a hider, a slut. You haven’t won anything.

Brittany: XD omg you’re stupider then I thought. I didn’t make you do anything. I just made the option available. I gave you the choice. You chose it. I didn’t actually compel people. I never said you’re a whore because you don’t make money or actually do anything sexual. You are a tease and a coward. You have no mental strength.

And you’ve told me yourself you enjoyed leading guys on and playing them. So don’t even try to pull the innocence card with me. And I never planned on “winning” anything. You’re the one that constantly thinks everything is a game.

Lydia: please I’m happier without you. I’m sorry I have my problems. Who the fuck is adam by the way?

Brittany: wow. You forgot about him already. For your info I was a lot happier without you. You’re the one that came back into my life and screwed both mine and yours over. Have a good life. Bye.

wonderful pre-fight.

this was my wonderful convo with one of my bestfriends today, she's telling me what a girl said to her about me, this girl's going to talk to me tomorrow apparantally. that should make for an amazing day.




Food intake: just say it's bad.








11:06pm
heeey

danielle: kk ur going to be piss

lydia: fine by me.
go ahead.

danielle: so i was like so mason choose lydia over me kinda thing and that i need to take a break
and then shes like think u shud go and take ur man from the evil clutches of the not-so-innocent slut


Lydia: okayyy.
WOOOW.

Danielle: and im like who? and shes like lydia

Lydia: IM A NOT SO INNOCENT SLUT?
WHAT THE FUCK. 
i can see where she gets it.
go ahead (:

Danielle: do u know how many guys shes pulled around by their heart strings?



thats what she said

Lydia: OMFG.

Danielle: and im like shes not a slut

Lydia: ty 

Danielle: not in the sleep with every single guy way

but she leads ppl on constantly but doesnt give them 
jack shit
thats what she said

Lydia: >.>
I DO NOT.

Danielle: and then im like oh and shes like : as wes matt steven adam and apparently mason very shortly

Lydia: ...waitwhat? i was going to hookup with wes, but he never made an effort so i gave up
matt did the same to me
WHO THE FUCK IS ADAM?
and i like mason...

Danielle: shes almost worse than i amReport · 10:58pm well shes my friend so i dont think shes a slut

Brit :lol, she was my friend and i still considered her a slut 
or maybe slut is the wrong word....
she said shes almost worse than i am
im like shes my friend so i dont think shes a slut
and then she said the ending

Lydia: okayokay wait.

Danielle: um...lets try...huge tease? said brit

Lydia: 1. did she say that i'm a slut when i was still friends with her? she fucking turned me into this.
I AM NOT A TEASE.

Danielle: yea
she said when u were friend she thought u were a slut
and thats all

Lydia: shes worse then me! miss "I slept with more then 25 gyus"

Danielle: so yea 

Lydia: i am not a slut.

Danielle: i know that
just dont kill her
u know
cause yea.......................

Lydia: me and wes were supposed to hook up, but i completely gave up on him because i was going to get him to go out with me but he wasnt putting any effort into it
i didnt mean to do anything to hurt matt, i still feel absolutely terrible...and i decided i wasnt going to go out with him and i probably wont see him for a long time.
IDK WHO THE FUCK ADAM IS..

Danielle: lol
me either

Lydia: like what the fuck..
steven?
who the fuck?
not erin's steven...ew i would never.

Danielle: idk

Lydia: not my ex steven.....ew i would never
LIKE WTFFFF/

Danielle: yea well i just wanted to let u know

Lydia: eugh.

Danielle: sorry 

Lydia: well aparantally shes texting me finally tomorrow trying to talk, karyn told me.
and she wont give me my share of the weed!
>.<
NOWUVNSROBNSF.

Danielle: wow

Lydia: whaterer/
shes a dumbass.

Danielle: im sorry that i told u


Lydia: honestly, everything i've done wrong in the past few months has been thanks to her and her bullshit.
and thank you for telling me it's a heads up for what i should be expecting tomorrow.

Danielle: yea

Lydia: loveeely.
well thats great - the whole fucking school's going to see me as a slut.

Danielle: NO!!!
theyll see brit ane

Lydia: if brittany got around to everyone, YESS

Danielle: as one*
she is a slut..

Lydia: well its all fake
major/
and she is fake.

Danielle: yea

Lydia: so basically shes telling me that she was being fake all along, and she never really cared about me at all.
thats amazing.

Danielle: wha

Lydia: that she can come up with such complete BULLSHIT.

Danielle: yea i know
like i was like i know u hate lydia but u cant talk about her like that and she said she hates liar umm look in the mirror

Lydia: yeah!
bitch liar.

Danielle: yea
wow and shes gets this piss after one little thing

Lydia: honestly.
we didnt fucking do anything.

i wish i didn't have to hurt you...

i wish i didnt have to hurt you,
i dont want you to worry about me
but i can't do anything else,
it's all i know.

i'm sorry that you're worrying about me, truly i am. but you need to let me go. I dont want you to worry about something that you can't change.
this isn't something i want. i dont want to make you worry. i dont want to starve. i dont want to go to bed hungry. but it's all i know now. like a drug.

counting calories is addicting
weight loss is addicting
excersize is addicting

i'm so so sorry.
stop worrying about me then <3

new accomplishment?

so I don't know why i'm still beating myself up over eating more then 500 calories :/ I burned 2180 today.
which i am very proud of. But at the same time, damn i could have done it with much less food in my system...

that fucking cookie i had could have been taken away,
and so could the sub have
and i didn't even have to eat the pizza, so much work to purge it...it was disgusting.

but tomorrow will hopefully be better - we're going out with a group of friends because tomorrow's the last day of school. that means eating ...
damn.
i know.
but i'm going to play it safe, maybe act sick.
We'll see where it goes, i might have to penalty myself or run later to make up for intaken food.


point is, i excersized alot and i'm actually very proud of myself.

ALL THE REASONS WHY.

(potential to be the best post ever)

1. I want to change
2. You'll like me more if I'm skinny
3. Guys like hot girls, not nice ones
4. Nothing tastes better then being skinny
5. Skinny is rewarding
6. I want to prove to you I can do it
7. You won't notice anyways...
8. I have my own secret
9. I can have control of my life


ANA PHRASES

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

A moment on lips..... forever on the hips.

If it tastes good, It's trying to kill you.

Thinner is the winner!

What nourishes me, also destroys me.

Ana, my friend, my companion.

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person

If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing.

Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else.

How many pounds till I am happy, how many pounds till I get thin? 

Three more pounds till I am skinny, three more pounds and I win!

thinspo: what i strive for.

breakdown...again

I ate too much again today, but the new diet starts tomorrow.
this is going to hurt so much. I'm breaking down again. I don't want to do this.
I just read my friend's blog without her knowing (bad but not important right now) and she said that a friend of mine though i was hiding the thing between me and Person #2. I'm not hiding. I am not a coward.

I just don't eat and conceal it away from everyone because noone cares enough to notice, that's all.
And the people that know watch over me like hawks if i tell them anything. so i let them see me eat.
and then i go home and cry. or i purge.
i'm sorry. i didn't mean for it to be like this.
I don't know how i'm going to get myself out of this one.

Blackberry in 50 days, 1 hour and 29 minutes... if i can pull through

You're Everything

Everything - Lifehouse

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

<background>How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 

I'm sorry...

I didn't mean to,
I didn't want it to get this far,

I've lost everything I am in this sweet disease, and now I can't go back. I don't want to eat, and when i do it's always something that has been offered to me - i never want people to see that i'm truly not eating.
My own little secret - everyone is playing hooky.
I'm so sorry.

I'm writing during a breakdown. I feel so fat, I'm crying. I don't want this anymore, I want to change.
Maybe if i change, you'll like me again - you'll want me again.
Focus on the aesthetics, let the rest fall. I don't want you to worry about me.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry

im sorry you dont know
im sorry i cant tell you
im sorry you'll never know
im sorry you can't see it as me
i'm sorry i ate today
i'm sorry i don't want to eat
i'm sorry i forget the reasons why
i'm sorry i binge
i'm sorry i purge
i'm sorry i didn't meant to
i'm sorry for putting this on you
i'm sorry for letting this consume me
i'm sorry for not being strong enough
I'm sorry for not eating
i'm sorry for misleading
i'm sorry for lying
i'm sorry for cheating
i'm sorry i can't be who you want
i'm sorry you don't think i should change
i'm sorry for not changing
i'm so so sorry it's not me.

Ana has a grip on me, and on my soul. I can't do anything anymore as me.

i didn't mean for it to be like this.

No Planning.

I broke down last night, and Person #1 was the only one i could stand to talk to. And i didn't mean to tell him anything about anything, but it kinda all spewed out of me. I don't want to tell him anything, because I don't want him to worry. And I don't want him to get annoyed with my complaining, because then I don't have anyone...again. I need him.
And I need this sweet disease.
Ana sucks.
I'm sick of it, but now it's all I know. It's my comfort and he doesn't understand that.
He kept comparing me to people. I don't want to be compared, I want to be listened to because everything's crashing down, I don't care about anyone else in the moment. I was a bitch to him in my own opinion, and I know i shouldn't've been - he was just trying to help. I've apologized now, but I'm still so sorry to him. And so regretful that he knows I'm not eating again. I really hope because of his he becomes scared to put food in my face. I hate being force-fed. Worst feeling ever.

And I opened my big mouth and told him about the words on my ...shorts area. They're terrible words, but he never gets to know them. EVER. He won't completely pants me for them, thank God, but I'm so worried hes not going to let this go. He doesn't know what the words say, but he knows there's words. And the words hurt.

Person #2 (M) and me kissed again today, but unfortunatly, i couldn't avoid it. We hugged and then he was just kind of ...there. Fuck.
And it was infront of this guy (Person #4) that one of my best friends really likes. He thinks I like him, and he got jealous that I kissed him, and he wanted it to be him not Person #2 that I was kissing. He has a girlfriend. He thinks I like him. My best friend likes him. I don't like him like that (he's a dick and a player). He likes both me and my best friend as well as his girlfriend.
How does this make any sense whatsoever? :o

meanwhile, I'm disgusting. I ate too much again today, and I'm upset with myself. Tomorrow will be better. I'm going to lay out some food proportions.

23 hours .

ABC's start on the 20th . MARK THE CALENDERS, SOMEONE'S GONNA CHANGE . -_- this is really going to hurt.
50 day ABCs....
I went another 23 hours without eating, and broke the fast on fruit. fml.

All on my own.

I didn't mean for it to get this far, but now I'm on my own
These secrets, these walls, they're a part of me, and I can't get away.

I ate too much today. I had a coffee and breakfast sandwich from timmis and went into work, then came home and had half a hot dog and half a sausage, then French toast. Then we went out to Williams and stupid me ordered a Belgian waffle....so I took the straw out of my drink and went to the bathroom to puke, and I did.
And now I'm broken again.
Another wave just comes through me.

I'm so, so sorry.

I'm upset now because my mom doesn't care (see other posts) and I had to bus myself to work this morning, which doesn't seem like a big deal, except for the fact that it's all on my own...again. I have to fend for myself...again. And anything my father says to me now, I want to contradict and yell back at him so badly. But I keep to myself, because it won't solve anything.

And everyone seems too far away for me. I have a secret.

Whoever I have told has now been reassured that I AM eating, by me. And now they think everything's perfectly okay. So now that I'm hitting another wave of ana, they won't know, and I can keep it all to myself.
Thank goodness?

I'm scared now, I don't like the pain, but I like the result.

Lost ten pounds total. Keepin' goin'.
Again, I'm so sorry

I'll be the one you want,
The one you would want more then anything,
and you can be mine,
but only if this happens, because I don't have another option.
You can't help me anymore.


Courage - Superchick

I told another lie today

And I got through this day

No one saw through my games

I know the right words to say

Like "I don't feel well"

"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look

and for a moment

For a moment I am happy

But when I'm alone

No one hears me cry

I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need you to know

That we'll be okay

Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful

The day I chose not to eat

What I do know is how I changed my life forever

I know I should know better

There are days when I'm okay

And for a moment

For a moment I find hope

But there are days when I'm not okay

And I need your help

So I'm letting go

I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need you to know

That we'll be okay

Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own

These secrets are walls that keep us alone

I don't know when but I know now

Together we'll make it through somehow

Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need you to know

That we'll be okay

Together we can make it through another day

I miss you...

I miss the look on your face when you woke up. How tired you were, and how you looked at me and I knew I could wake you up whenever I needed you. It's a face I'm never going to forget, it was adorable.
I miss you, and I wish you didn't have her. But I know it's better this way, because I know I can never have you.

And I feel terrible for always talking to you about my eating, or about whatever issue I have. You don't need that, you have your own parental problems and people problems. I don't want you to get tired of me, but you're the best help I have.

I wish I could fix myself, but I don't know how this one's going to get better. I don't want to eat, and I feel disgusting when I do. I'm sorry.



I'll get myself back, and I'll be who you want <3 .
I love you anyways .

Disgusting.

I ate a piece of lasagna, a muffin, five chicken strips and ketchup today.
I want to purge to badly, but people will hear me.

I can't stand this. It's disgusting.
I'm disgusting...

I'm mad at the world, it doesn't owe me anything, I'm just upset at how this is all turning out.
People aren't close to me anymore - I can't stand everyone but two people, and even them I don't want to be around. I'm happiest when I'm alone...I can think and do things for myself.

My Mom was pissing me off last night. She wouldn't dye my hair and I know how trivial that sounds, but she wasn't even paying attention to me...I came home at 5:30 and she didn't ask where I was. She doesn't comment on how short my shorts are, or how much makeup I wear. It seems like she's always got something better to care about, like her garden in the backyard or her almost-boyfriend Peter.
So I was left to fend for myself. She can't pay for anything for me anymore because we were forced to buy a new washer so money's slim right now. I can understand that, but I feel like I'm being forced to be too independent, and that sucks.
I'm sorry that I want a mom who will question me for hanging out with a boy.
I'm sorry that I want a mom who cares about where I am, and cares to ask where I'm going.
I'm sorry that I want to do things just to piss her off and see if she notices.

I'm a mess, and I feel so...heavy and down all the time. And I'm crying again...
I said that I was done with being sad...I don't think I have a choice now.
Everyone I come into contact with is simply annoying me, and I want to run away.

I'm so, so sorry.

I feel like I'm doing this to myself. In turn, I am.
I ate so much and I feel so bad. And I'm going to start crying because I really don't know what's the matter with me anymore.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone,
I didn't mean to starve myself,
I don't mean to be a bother,
I don't mean to be so indecisive,
I can't deal anymore,
I hate what has become of me,
I just want to leave
I want this to change,
But this is my comfort.
...and it's ruining everything. I can't help it.

I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.

Alone Again

I just want to leave. I want to get away from everyone besides the few people that are actually okay. I want to have the apartment, and I want to live my own life.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I really don't. I just feel...lonely and sad...all the time...
I don't want to label it as depression or anything along the lines of those, because I don't think it's that.
Now I'm only happy when I'm alone.

The alone, the silence is nice. I forgot how nice it was. It doesn't have anyone trying to help me, or ask any questions. It doesn't have anything, really. Nothing at all.

I don't feel that close to anyone besides A and Person #1....They both are really here for me, and they're the only people I tend to want to be with, even though I never want to be with anyone at all.

I feel like I'm barely living, but I don't want to die.

I went to the gym last night, but I ate a lot during the day. One cold bath and one cold shower as well.
I ate too much today. Really. Too much.
Yogurt and granola,
a muffin,
chinese from the school cafeteria,
a handful of popcorn,
mini-eggs,
and now meatloaf.

That's like a whole day of food. And a TON of calories and sugars. I'm so upset with myself. And I convinced myself that if i only eat the yogurt and granola, these healthy shakes I make, and crackers as well as go to the gym, then it's a good in-between solution between the water/liquid diet and a binge.

I'm tired of this and I don't know how it's going to get better.


I'm considering dating Person #2 again, as much as some people think it's a bad idea. He likes me, and I might need someone to encourage good things in my life right now, and show me that there's someone who truly and really loves me that's not just a friend. Something to live for.
And I want him right now,
It's his birthday. I miss him.

Breathe Me

I'm surprised I'm this okay. I really wouldn't be if I wasn't trying to build myself to be so strong. I want to be strong, so I must pay with happiness. Good price? Yes.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm tired of being sad, so I'm going to be happy. I don't know how I managed that for so long.

Today I feel like everyone except ... two people are slowly drifting apart from me. Like I'm stuck with this constant negative feeling like someone's plotting something against me, or they don't want to be around me. I don't want to feel like this, but I feel so irritated with everyone lately, I'm having the tendency to only see the negative.

We made more plans for the apartment today, myself and my friend "A". I started to think about the people that I would be rooming with. I want to move out so badly, but I want it to be with people that I can really stand living with.
I can't wait to leave, maybe I'll finally be independent.

But I want a new job, the hours for this one sucks. I kind of want to wait until I'm sixteen so that I can have a waitressing job.

I puked again last night - lasagna doesn't taste good the second time.
And I ate too much today - crackers, pizza, an iced capp, and I'm not planning on eating anything else today. I forgot how helpful my crackers were.

I forgot how many tips work for thinspo.
I forgot how much money we all spend on food.

I'm sorry, I'm going back into eating troubles.


And I have figured out that I don't want to date Person #2 (the one I messed around with that would be the answer to all our problems) I would rather stay right where I am. B, you can have him.

When the right guy comes along, we'll already be dating.


"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe"


Sia - Breathe Me