Rant for HIM.
You took her heart,
Broke it, smashed it.
You ruined her,
My beautiful,
My baby girl.

You mad her feel,
As worthless as you,
Made her promises,
You never could keep.
Did it make you feel powerful?
Taking her innocence?
Does it make you feel powerful?
Knowing she loves you?
Does it make you feel powerful,
When she starves herself thin?
Does it make you feel powerful?
When she drags the blade across her skin?

When will you learn,
Its her you hurt.
When will you learn,
Don't mess with her.

She was damaged,
You took her in,
And now she defends,
The pain you bring.

I watch, helplessly,
Bound by a promise,
That I choose to keep.
But please,
Let her go,
Let her out of the constraints,
Push her out the door.
She will be broken,
But what else is new,
I will help her,
Forget about you...

You are like poison,
Toxic in nature.
You manipulate,
You fufill your own needs,
You're one step below,
An abuser.

If you break her,
I will break you,
If you allow her to,
Give you everything,
You will have no future,
This truth I sing.

Why do you feel the need,
To have everything,
What was so bad,
In your past,
That you feel the need,
To make her pain last.


My Love for Her
You are my beautiful,
My baby girl,
He's just a monster,
Who pretends your his world.
You care so much,
That it's your end,
He's just a player,
Stuck on being friends.
You need to stop,
Yourself based on him,
You are wonderful, special,
And deserve everything.
But here is the fact,
And it is the truth,
That that asshole of a boy,
Will never deserve you.












Hometown girl, born so true,
Too bad she fell in love with you,
Oblivious in the way she cares,
You left her feeling invisible and bare.

Hometown girl becomes a queen,
So much more then she seems,
With a heartbreak on her shoulders,
It has made her that much older.

Pain is lost in her fake smiles,
She holds it together for a while,
But others see through her door,
Can see she's desperate for so much more.

They offer her their encouraging ears,
Assure her they are always here,
And when they listen to her speak,
They know that they will never leave.

She morphs herself to someone new,
The focus of her control is food.
Restricting, fasting, gives her the high,
She is tempted by Ana's lies.

Days turn into months and into years,
The hometown queen's condition severe,
Convinced that she is always fine,
She allows nobody to pass the line,
The line in which she uses to protect,
Because of they boy, her trust he wrecked.

Friends watch on, eager to be the hero,
Her size has become less then a zero.
And before they know it, its that day,
When Ana's decietfullness took her away.

The possibilities are endless to where she had gone,
To the hospital, to get better, to be strong?
Or to the ground, to be returned to Him,
Even though she was just a kid?

Hometown girl, she was lured,
Ana did not allow us to save her.

Physically Nothing

I ate like a normal person for a whole week. I completely lost control and I don't know entirely why.
I just lost ana, and I didn't know where to look.

This week is back on track week. I'm such a fat pig. today I'm going out for dinner and ice cream with a friend and thats okay with me for now (its all i'll be eating today)
and tuesday I'm getting smoothies with a friend, so that's all I'll be eating/drinking that day too
and wednesday I'm fasting
and Thursday I'm fasting
and if I can, Friday I'm fasting  (If i can't , then I'm liquid fasting or fruit fasting)

for saturday - which is when I'm pulling off the most adorable black dress for a party, and need to make two guys jealous at once. sigh, I should have thought about this all last week so I didn't eat so damn much.

Last night I had a smoke because this guy asked me out and I didn't know what to say. I think I'll say yes, for this sunday.  Why the hell not, since nothing else is working?

I told Ryan I was crying last night but I wasn't really. On my back deck when I was laying looking at the stars smoking I was almost crying - almost sobbing - like smokes always seem to hit me. I just need to get a grip and take control again, because last week was not okay.

Love never works. Love is just stupid. My parents are divorced - that love never works. There are some people in this world that don't find love, or where love doesn't work. Me too, for example.
Ryan's never going to work, and I hope to God it does. But I don't know what's going to happen once Rieki's out of the picture - he may choose someone else just as much as he could choose to be with me.

I want to learn to play the piano/keyboard just to play my sad songs and sing to them on it. that would be good.

Take all I have please.
Honestly, nothing physical is worth a thing.

I Just Want You To Love Me.

I'm sorry that I love you. That's really all it comes down to.
I'm sorry that I want you to break up with your girlfriend for me.
I want you, so badly.

I wish I could just sit and stare at you, and have you looking back at me with the same love in your eyes. That's really all  I want.
You would make everything better. I would know I am loved.
She doesn't seem to realize what she has. I would, and I would treat you the best.

I would do anything for you. ANYTHING. honestly, you name it and I would do it, no questions.

And I'm going to start crying because I don't think I can ever have you. You're happy with her, and I should have stopped this a long time ago, but I'm never going to stop this.

I'm going back to starving after a week of food. This is gross. I am gross. I'm starving until next saturday - eating 1/4 of dinners because my mom is cooking them all this week. ONE QUARTER. If i eat more then I'm going to be so mad.
I'm already mad.

I want to look amazing in this dress for you. For you and to make Andrew jealous. I know that sounds so bitchy.

I'm so so sorry. I just want to be skinny and for you to love me.

Fall To Pieces

I was with Ryan last night, and it was really nice. It was just us, and noone else..some nice time. He's still together with Rieki, but I loved just having the time to us..

I feel like he could be liking me while going out with Rieki...I'm not sure why though - it could just be my stupid head making more problems for myself then I need as normal. I'm laying next to him on the futon in his basement, and it is pitch black, but he put music on. We were just talking and almost sleeping, but I kept staring at him, and I know that sounds really bad, but I just couldn't help it. His smell, his face, his hair, his looks...I just melt?

*I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry infront of you. I don't want to talk about it because I'm in love with you.

You were talking to me about what you could do to get me to eat again, and said you had ideas but I wouldn't tell you what would really make me eat. There is really only one thing that can be done to make me eat - prove to me that I'm beautiful. How do you do that? Get Ryan to go out with me, get someone to love me so completely that I'm stuck loving myself. Sure I won't look at food the same way ever again, but I know theres someone who really loves me for me and doesn't want me to change - and has proved it.
Some selfish bitch I am, aren't I?
Faack.

I don't mean to be such a pain to everyone. I really don't. I wish that noone knew about me eating/not eating. But at the same time, some selfish part of me want people to know, because then they seem like they care. if that makes sense? they ask about what I'm doing, how I am. They don't leave me alone..

When I'm alone, all I really do is stare at walls. How pathetic?

I know I'm doing this to myself, and I absolutely hate that. Really, I do. I want to get out of this "thinking of food all the time" phase. But at the same time, I'm not okay with how I look, and if I can't control this then what else can I control?

I want to be the person in the thinspiration . I want to be the girl who can stand up and give slam poetry, telling about how it feels to starve, and look like she's starved.
I'm not anorexic, I don't look anorexic.

I wish I could curl up into a ball and not move until september. That would make me perfect.
I want to be perfect, perfection is key.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. This whole week I've been eating like a normal person. If i reach 155lbs, I get my new shoes that I REALLY want. Half of me wants to start eating again and obsessivly go to the gym. But I could go to the gym without eating too...

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to starve, but starving hurts. One more pound, and I'm not classified as "overweight" anymore.

I'm a mess.

*Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces

all i could think about..

All I could think about last night as I was laying awake for about five hours..
myself walking towards..myself and then changing. My face would become crackled and dead-looking, I would have my eyes glowing a vibrant blue-green-gold, my makeup would change from none to HEAVY dark black eyeliner with major mascara and black eyeshadow. I would change into a light blue dress, ripped and torn, my teeth would become jagged and devouring..

My back would sprout wings, like a butterfly but black and dead-looking ones. like a skeleton of butterfly wings.

And I would be perfectly skinny.

You Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless

Take me, I'm alive
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better
When the sun goes down

I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night

Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes

You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light

And every time
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die

Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things
That I shouldn't know
And there's a blue moon on the rise

I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night

Your eyes, your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
Everything in your eyes, your eyes

You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love
Will burn up in the light

And every time
I look inside your eyes
(Burning in the light)
Make me wanna die

I'll die for you, my love, my love
I'll lie for you, my love, my love
(Make me wanna die)

I'll steal for you, my love, my love
(You make me wanna die)
I'll die for you, my love, my love
We'll burn up in the light

Every time I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
I'm burning in the light
I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die






Alot happened at once...I had some people over for a party/hangout. and I already knew I wanted to makeout with this guy Andrew...it's complicated but true. 
I drank too much, it hit me harder because I didn't eat anything, 
I ran off to my room because I got really upset...The selfish little me wanted to see who would bother to come up and check to see if I'm okay. Rachael did, and then Andrew came up, and Carling came up too. And I had already started crying to Rachael about Ana, and now Carling and Andrew know...which I didn't want to ever happen.  ...Ryan didn't come up to see me (he said he thought I wouldn't want to see him)
I took 15 advils just because Ryan would hate it (I don't know either), and I finished cutting FAT on my stomach...Fuck it hurt. I smoked 6 cigs that day. and 5 the next.
And two more cuts on my arms, forcing me to now wear long-sleeve shirts in the 35 degree weather. Fml. 


So me and my friend Rach and him went to sleep upstairs we both ended up in the same bed as Andrew - then she left...me and Andrew had already made out by this point...
let's just say handjob for him...basically fingering for me (more rubbing)
the point is that we got to the point when he asked me if we wanted to just have sex. I had to say I couldn't do it...and then things got all awkward and shit -__-






Now I just don't know what the fuck is wrong. I don't ever want to eat or touch food again. I hate it, and I honest to God have no desire to eat food. I think Ana finally won.
Btw, I started texting Ryan after he left, and I reread those texts in the morning - I was talking about Ana like she was a real person....
creepyshit.












Now I'm a mess, but I have a new faveourite song.

I dont want help...

I don't know what I'm thinking. Yesterday I ate so much and I completely let my guard down. I had too much alcohol - too many calories. I just kept snacking on things! I dont know...

So today it's just water, and I have to cut the last slash in F. FAACK.
I really hate cutting...

I started smoking again, and I remember how much I missed it. It works SO SO well to curb hunger it's not even funny, so I'm using that to my advantage. I had one at like 2 today, and I might have another one when it's dark because I love watching the smoke rise up above me into stars, it's the most powerful thing for me.

I'm in a mood that I really don't have very much self-respect, to the point where I really want to go get fucked. I want weed so badly, just so I could do it by myself and watch the world turn. I've done it before...but I don't want to have to ask my friend for more...

It was like a slap to the face this morning, Matt decided to finally talk to me regularily and I get the "oh im so broken, I'm suicidal" which I can understand - this kid has ISSUES. But it's not like I don't know that the world is full of a bunch of fuckers and that life's a bitch...
He did the whole "the only person that could make me feel better is makayla and she only visits somedays because she lives in Brantford"
Question...why are you telling me this? I know that I wish I could help him, but I haven't really talked to him since like the end of May, and thats when we hooked up and had that awkward I'm leaving you thing going on. Which I still feel terrible about. I'm sorry that I didn't want to date him, and I wish I could fix anything I've done to him...but I wanted him so badly..

What am I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry, Matt, I'll make it all better? -__-

On the upside I have decided to not talk about my problems with eating to anyone, and if it's mentioned or the topic starts to answer quickly and not linger on the subject.
I'm starving for attention ... and for bones ... and for people to notice me ... and to be worth something .... and to finally have confidence ... and for bikinis ... and for sex ... and for love ... and to be the girl in the thinspo.

I'm not doing it for my mom anymore, or for the guy - well of course i'm still doing it for the guy - but hes not really the main reason.
I know that I'm doing this to try to get him to notice me, but there are so many other, more complicated factors in this too.
I want to keep smiling when i look in the mirror.

Karyn has decided that she knows the reasons of the disorder. I'm not talking to her right now about eating at all, and I refuse to, but apparantally (i read her blog) she talked to her councillor about me, so she's worrying about me a bit too much... Um...
She doesn't need to worry, i'm fine! she thinks i'm only doing this for my mother. Unfortunatly as much as I'd like to tell her how wrong she is, I don't want to talk to her right now.
She kept saying "she needs to get help"
well i'm sorry Ms.I-Know-Everything-About-Mental-Health, I dont want help, and I don't need help. I'm fine.