I dont want help...

I don't know what I'm thinking. Yesterday I ate so much and I completely let my guard down. I had too much alcohol - too many calories. I just kept snacking on things! I dont know...

So today it's just water, and I have to cut the last slash in F. FAACK.
I really hate cutting...

I started smoking again, and I remember how much I missed it. It works SO SO well to curb hunger it's not even funny, so I'm using that to my advantage. I had one at like 2 today, and I might have another one when it's dark because I love watching the smoke rise up above me into stars, it's the most powerful thing for me.

I'm in a mood that I really don't have very much self-respect, to the point where I really want to go get fucked. I want weed so badly, just so I could do it by myself and watch the world turn. I've done it before...but I don't want to have to ask my friend for more...

It was like a slap to the face this morning, Matt decided to finally talk to me regularily and I get the "oh im so broken, I'm suicidal" which I can understand - this kid has ISSUES. But it's not like I don't know that the world is full of a bunch of fuckers and that life's a bitch...
He did the whole "the only person that could make me feel better is makayla and she only visits somedays because she lives in Brantford"
Question...why are you telling me this? I know that I wish I could help him, but I haven't really talked to him since like the end of May, and thats when we hooked up and had that awkward I'm leaving you thing going on. Which I still feel terrible about. I'm sorry that I didn't want to date him, and I wish I could fix anything I've done to him...but I wanted him so badly..

What am I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry, Matt, I'll make it all better? -__-

On the upside I have decided to not talk about my problems with eating to anyone, and if it's mentioned or the topic starts to answer quickly and not linger on the subject.
I'm starving for attention ... and for bones ... and for people to notice me ... and to be worth something .... and to finally have confidence ... and for bikinis ... and for sex ... and for love ... and to be the girl in the thinspo.

I'm not doing it for my mom anymore, or for the guy - well of course i'm still doing it for the guy - but hes not really the main reason.
I know that I'm doing this to try to get him to notice me, but there are so many other, more complicated factors in this too.
I want to keep smiling when i look in the mirror.

Karyn has decided that she knows the reasons of the disorder. I'm not talking to her right now about eating at all, and I refuse to, but apparantally (i read her blog) she talked to her councillor about me, so she's worrying about me a bit too much... Um...
She doesn't need to worry, i'm fine! she thinks i'm only doing this for my mother. Unfortunatly as much as I'd like to tell her how wrong she is, I don't want to talk to her right now.
She kept saying "she needs to get help"
well i'm sorry Ms.I-Know-Everything-About-Mental-Health, I dont want help, and I don't need help. I'm fine.