A New Sense?

Of privacy, perhaps?
of starvation, perhaps?

I didn't eat anything at all for almost exactly 40 hours.
and before that I didn't eat much.
I'm acknowledging it as "anorexia" finally, but that's only making me eat less and less.

The starvation was comforting. It made me feel as though I was doing something right, when everything else was uncertain. The only thing I put into my mouth was water. Is is so wrong to be so proud of myself?

Person #1 is the only person so far who knows the extent of my eating...thing. He's not exactly the most supportive of what I'm trying to do. He thinks I'm going to die. Or he's scaring me into believing I'm going to die.

I don't think I'm here right now. The hunger and the pain was the only thing that really seemed real, and every other thing just seemed like it was being watched on a television screen by me. It's really hard to live like that, hard to make decisions, hard to focus, to concentrate, to solve anything or get anything done. But it's how I live.


This whole situation with Person #2 is really odd. We went on a walk yesterday and we kissed three separate times. I didn't mean to do anything else with him until it got all sorted out, but it just did and I don't know what's happening now. We're not going out, I've already checked that with him.
We're both to fucked up to have a real relationship I think. But when will it come to it? Or will it come to it?

And one of my best friends evidently wants to cut me out because of something. I don't know what it is, but it's not because of me and Person #2. She absolutely LOVES person #2 by the way. She loves him as much as I love Person #1. I might even love him more then she loves her love.
Problem is, I don't think I like Person #2 that way, and I don't think that having a relationship with him, or being involved with him in any way - is really going to help me for anything. But I don't know what's going to happen...


I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning because I was so dizzy and clumsy that I couldn't walk straight. I feel so guilty.

A person can last 4-6 weeks without food.

I decided to turn this into a game, see how long I can last without food and see how high I can get the number.

All I can say now is that I'm tired of being tired and sad. I'm happier, but just because I don't want to be sad. (:
I'll live, hopefully .