Followed by Ana

I can't escape this ED, and I don't want to. It's my comfort right now, when everything else seems to be going downhill anyways...Ryan, Matt, Mason, Parental Situation...
Everyone's trying to help. I regret telling Mason that I don't eat. I thought it would bring us closer, but I think it's only spreading us further apart. I'm getting repulsed that he would even try to shove that cookie in my face yesterday - honestly, how rude! This girl is annorexic and you're shoving a chocolate cookie in her face? Do you know how much she really wanted to take that cookie - or the whole box of cookies - and shove her face in them? If she did that though, she would have to go puke over a toilet for like an hour ... stupid guilt ride major.
Whatever.

I don't know what I'm feeling for Mason right now. I wish things didn't have to be so stupid. I know that Karyn likes him, but I also knows that she thinks I like him - which I'm not denying, but questioning. I wish that I would just have everything fall into place and finish with this all.
He's such a dick, and Karyn fails to see this somehow.
That stupid cookie situation = turnoff
He's always complaining about bruises = turnoff
All he talks about is football = turnoff
Can't carry a conversation with me = turnoff.
A relationship is supposed to be based off of communication, and if we can't even do that then I don't know how I ever thought we would work. He shouldn't even know about the ED, i think he doesn't know how to deal with it, and because of that I think he's a bit weirded out.

I'm contemplating not talking to Ryan for a little while. He owes me over seven hugs, but whatever.
Everytime I'm with him I'm scared to talk about my ED, I don't want to overwhelm him either. But when we went on the walk-retreat a few weeks ago, it was nice because we both just talked and that was all. Just talking and getting lost while walking - it was amazing actually. Clearing my head while being with him.
I just wish he could know everything. How his girlfriend is my biggest thinspiration and how I really do love him with all my heart. This shit with Mason and Matt, they're because of him too - I have a hard enough time wrapping my own head around that fact. If it wasn't for Ryan I probably would have liked Matt alot more and that might have worked for longer then three days. I might be really into Mason if he wasn't being so protective and saying how Mason's just going to toss me to the side or whatever. I don't care if Mason does or will, I'm getting used to being tossed aside by guys lately.
First Ryan, then Matt. Now I think I'm heading int he direction of being apart from Mason too. Karyn can have him.

I don't feel good enough for anyone. Noone should have to stand being my friend, all I do is think about my ED and what I'm eating. Literally, that's next to all I'm thinking about now.

Reading has begun to help. I'm finding that if I can disappear into a book, nothing else matters and I won't have to think about eating or rather not eating - or anyone who has ever talked shit about me or fallen apart form me or hated me or left me there to starve...or helped me.
I hate that everyone I've told seems so concerned for me, I'll be fine. It's just me and Ana.
I've started almost picturing ana, like there's a girl following me and telling me that I don't need to eat. It's comforting to me. But then Ryan's voice echoes in my head "eat"
and I only say "if you only knew the reason, it's all because of you"

in five minutes i'll be on hour 43 of my 48+ hour fast. I'm feeling strong, like I don't even need the food to keep me going. But I'm babysitting in half an hour, and I'm working first thing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to need to think of a game plan to have enough energy to not pass out at work...I'm thinking half an apple tonight half an apple tomorrow morning...sticking to fruit is good. Fiber is good.

I've had so many cups of tea and water that I'm surprised I haven't exploded yet.

I want to be the girl in the photoshoot, the one that looks skinny, sexy and attractive. Anyone who tells me I already look like that is a liar.

About Matt...I can't even put into words how sorry I still am. I had to explain to him my situation over facebook, and unfortunatly I couldn't get the point across in the right way to finally say that I'm really and truly sorry.
He asked me what was going through my head when I kissed him on Britt's bed. I said that I wanted to, and I thought he wanted to too...so I kissed him.
He deserves so much better then me, he really does. I still feel absolutely completely terrible that I screwed his life up so much more then it had to be. I'm sorry that he turned down girls while hoping to get back with me, I'm sorry that I kept kissing him when I knew that I should have been doing differently. I know that I was wrong, but I know that there's really nothing more that I can do to make it right right now.
I don't think he wants my help, or my words talking to him. He has enough problems without knowing the problems of an anorexic teenager who just really hates where she is right now.

My parental situation is really an odd one. Mom is forcing me to go to Dad's every second WEEK now, and she won't take no for an answer. Not that I really care anymore, I'm just a two year old with high strung emotions that isn't eating whose getting shipped back and forth like a piece of luggage - no big deal.

I feel like I can't have a boyfriend right now. Karyn said something the other day that really amazed me, she quoted RENT i think and it was like "you can't love others until you learn to love yourself" and unforunatly i don't love myself - I don't know when I will. Maybe when I'm finally in Ryan's arms? Which might not even ever happen -.-

How can someone love a girl with Ana following her?