Society and Barbies

I feel like I'm dying. This is my first day when during a fast, I ran 2k. Damn. I'm not feeling so great right now. And this all sucks! But I'm on Day 1/7 - I just hope nobody notices that I'm not eating anything at all. I might even go downstairs to make food and then bring it up here to throw it out.

BUT FUCK. This hurts. I've been so moody all day too (no it's not that time of month).

I'm wondering when I see Ryan again, if he's going to notice the weight loss. This is good thinspiration for me right now...loosing weight so he'll notice. He knows about Ana, but he doesn't notice the weight loss typically. I'm just working on controlling what I'm thinking towards food right now. Food is bad. Food is disgusting and it makes you fat. Repition works.

I just need to be skinny. But I'm not skinny, I'm dizzy.

Society sucks. It really does. It's to blame for all these eating disorders, for the weight loss initiatives, for the make-up and the beauty products. If society didn't portray women as "needing to be perfect little Barbies" then we wouldn't care about our straight teeth, or what shade of make-up we have on. It would be how it should be - looking for personality and liking each other for who we are. I sometimes wish we were just skinny blobs, ALL OF US, so that we only know each other by personality.
But obviously that's never going to ever happen, so I shouldn't even get my hopes up. Society isn't going to change, so we're all stuck making sure we're doing everything we can to reach that stage of Barbie-doll.

So I'm trying, but I think it's changing me too much personality-wise right now.

All my friends are growing distant, and that's okay with me? It's mainly me and Ana right now. I'm fending for myself again - which isn't a bad thing,but it gives me more space for Ana. Isolation works in so many ways for starvation. But at the same time, would things be different if I was surrounded by loving, caring friends? Probably not. Food is still evil.

I didn't go to my counselling appointment today. I didn't want to and asked my mother to cancel because "there really isn't a good reason for me to go any more" my words, not hers.
Hell yes there is a good reason to go, but HELL NO am I wanting to sit in a chair and vent to someone I only met once and thinks they know everything through my head. I'm not saying that they don't know things about what I'm going through. But I am saying that I'm not like everyone else.

I feel like I just want to stay asleep forever. I could eat as much as I wanted and never gain a pound. It would be...like Heaven.
P.S. I am rather scared I'm going to turn suicidal again. That was not a fun place...

Life is a bitch, and then you die. End of story?