I wrote this kind of like a .... this is what you should know before I die ...type thing. It's not particularily a suicide note, but I can't say that it shouldn't be given to him in the event of me dying...
yes, this is all true...
Dear Ryan Labrie,
For the first time, I feel broken. Everything around me seems to be crashing down and I find myself wanting everything to fail. I wanted to be that damaged girl that needs to be comforted and consoled, and I’m not sure why.
All that I wanted was for you to love me. That’s all I’ve wanted right from the start. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I truly love you – even if you did you would think I’m stupid for thinking so. You called our friend Denise stupid after dating a guy for a month then “falling in love with him” and not being able to let go of that.
Well, I can say that I have loved you from the first time I set eyes on you; when we met backstage at the Anne of Green Gables play where Erin introduced us. I remember having a water bottle in my hand, and I had put a cinnamon heart inside it, turning the water a disgusting colour with a disgusting taste. I think I asked you if you wanted some, and you looked at me like I was crazy.
That’s what happened to my heart, it dissolved in the water and made everything around it disgusting. It dissolved and left only the repulsing insides to swim in the water. Maybe that was a secret metaphor to my life, I don’t know and never will – but that’s how I met you - over a dissolving cinnamon heart.
That night that you kissed me, I’m never going to forget for as long as I live. We weren’t together and I still can’t believe that that night meant you found me attractive, but somehow it worked. We were “friends with benefits” but without the sex. And I acted like I didn’t like you for the longest time – it was easy because I don’t think I ever admitted it. I’m sorry for not admitting it, and I’m sorry for screwing everything up like I always do. I’m sorry for having this blow up like a dramaqueen I am.
Then you left for a few months and I didn’t hear from you or see you. When you were gone Erin found out about us doing the friends with benefits thing and I had to deal with all the questions and all the people wondering about “this mysterious love triangle between Ryan, Erin and some other girl”. Yeah, I don’t know how that one formed either. Point is, I had to deal with it by myself. Krysten was there to help me, but I knew things with you would never have been the same. Unfortunatly I would have given it all up just to be friends with you again – go back to how things were before. But I wanted to keep the kiss so badly. I loved it.
Skip forward about a year I was still in love with you, and I had finally really started talking to you again. We grew so close, and everything seemed to be perfect – but the fact that you still haven’t chosen me to love back.
Then Rachael’s party, you know this part already with the me SUPER jealous because you chose the pretty, model-gorgeous Doug over me to hook up with. Never good enough was just me, and Doug was perfectly good enough for you.
Then Rieki…she’s a perfect, blonde, gorgeous girl with everything to look forward to. I’ve realized her past now, but even before she was my thinspiration. She was my only REAL thinspiration because you chose her not me. If I could only make myself who you want, maybe you’ll like me more. This was the only thought that would go through my head.
I feel like a stalker saying this, but I did print off pictures of her I found off facebook – and that one of you and her laughing as your profile picture was amazing thinspo.
The point is, and I have never said this to you, you’re the biggest reason why I’m anorexic. I want to be who you want, all those pretty, skinny girls. You would rather hook up with a skinny girl then a fat lump of shit – anyone would. So I’ll just have a leg up for when you’re single again…if I can loose the weight. You make me feel like I’m never good enough, so I’m going to become good enough. And I know that you’re trying to help and you know about Ana and Mia, but I know that I shouldn’t have told you. It was a really stupid thing of me to do seeing as I’m doing this mainly for you and for myself.
I just want you to love me when I’m done.
I don’t want you to leave again, I don’t know what I’ll do.
If I ever finish, please say that you’ll want me, and you’ll never leave my side. I will care if you never ask me out or kiss me again, but I will say that I won’t care. I’d rather stay your best friend then have you leave again.
And you don’t even understand how much and in what ways I truly, truly love you…you might never. But I can explain it with a Harry Potter reference. I am Snape…he loved Lily Evans since he first laid eyes on her, and she married a different man and he had to sit and watch as her son grew up before his eyes, knowing that he could never have Lily Potter. It seems like I’m never going to have you, I’m just going to be Snape forever.
I’m so, so sorry.
…I love you so, so much more.
Always,
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