Friends With Benefits...Starting?

I figured out my main thinspiration. Being able to go into a photoshoot and look like the skinny girls, where their legs don't touch in their inner thighs, and their arms don't touch the handles on their stomach. Where they can walk a few steps without having fat shaking and jiggling like goo all around them. That's who I want to be.
And fuck it, my mom can take whatever freedom she wants from me, I don't even care, because in the end this is what I really care about, I need to be skinny, and I need it now.

On the other hand...this guy's name is Mason. And him and me started talking again for the first time since seventh grade, and that's nice and everything. But he started flirting, and he had a girlfriend at the time. That being said, I started flirting back because I thought I could like him. And I really do like him right now...
But this is turning into major friends with benefits right here.
I asked if he would go out with me and he had already said yes, but made it seem like he didn't. So I could have easily just been like "I think we should try going out, did you want to go on a date with me?"
but no, I had to sit my sorry ass down and think. I hate it when I do that. I thought about it and realized that I didn't really want to date a player, but I should take the chance because I like him alot.
But when my two friends texted him being like "just ask her out already, you know she likes you!" he chickened and didn't ask me out. So I asked him how he feels about fwb, and he said that it might be better for him right now then a relationship.
So that's the start of that. I want to have him so badly....Just have him with me and be able to look at him and kiss him. I don't love him, I don't even know if I like him as much as I think I do. But I'm only concerned that I only like him because he's someone who does like me, when I don't even like myself. I want to be skinny, remember?

So that raises a whole other question of could I date someone really and truly when I have ana on my back?
The answer = probably not as good as I would want to...
but I could fake anything, so it seems.

I've gotten so good at covering for things it honestly rocks.
This post will have to be finished later, I'm with a friend and I don't want her to see...