Want me when I'm done.

I read my friend Karyn's blog post about Canada day.
I invited her to come with us because i thought it would be cool to have a group of us going, but she really only talked about her life or Steven - I understand that he was a big part of her life, but she doesn't have to talk about it to someone like me who doesn't want to ever hear his name again. He fucked up so much - honestly - and he ruined the Washington trip for us all. Everyone would be better without him, and I'm not saying that he should go die or anything. I just don't want his drama to be around everyone.
And i don't even understand why this drama is around HIM, he's not cute, and I can't see why people like him or want to be his girlfriend. I know it sounds really bitchy of me to say this, and I don't even blame anything for it - I'm turning into such a bitch and I know it.

I'm still upset about Matt. Not as much as before, but it's still in the back of my mind.
I really didn't mean for anything to happen like it did, and I feel SO SO bad still. We were at Canada day and I was explaining to Becca how Matt called me basically a worthless piece of shit, and Karyn was all like "oh pfft he calls everyone that :3"
...yeah no. I'm sorry that he might have called everyone some form of that, but we had just broke up and i had just broke his heart, so i was already feeling bad. I didn't mean to...
And he's saying that i used him. This isn't entirely false. I didn't mean to use him, it just kind of got to the point where I liked the attention and someone who actually cared about me showing affection for once. I feel so so bad that it got to that.
It felt like I was just testing the water, wondering if we should get back together. But I turned my back on that too, just like everything else I seemed to be doing lately.
You wanted me back so bad, and I could feel the attraction, but for you not for me. I still don't like you in that way, and I don't think I ever will. I tried to like you the first time, and wanted it to work for the first day, but we broke up two days later. I didn't want this, and I still feel like complete crap about it.

And I'm with Ryan alot now (you know...person #1) And that's been amazing. But his girlfriend, Rieki is with us. Her picture is under the thinsporation post. She is my biggest thinsporation. All I really want is Ryan. And that's really all I want for this life right now. It's not even a bad thing that he has a girlfriend. When he isn't with someone, there are so many other options for him that aren't me. But when he has a girlfriend, I know there's only one girl I get to compete with.
I'm sorry that he might not even like me when he gets out of this relationship - if he does.
But the only thing I'm upset about with him right now is that the relationship is actually going amazingly for them. And I'm uber happy for both of them. I'm good friends with Rieki as well, and she's sweet but surprisingly like me, i dont know how to take that either.
I just want it to be me with him, and be able to kiss him whenever I want and be around him all the time, and have him want to be with me. But Rieki and Ryan are doing so good, I don't know if I'm going to get the chance.
Hopefully by prom I'll have him. That would be amazing.
Secondary problem with him, he knows about mia and ana. So he's worried sick that I'm not eating and when I do I'm upchucking. I'm worried sick about him - I always am. I call him Superman because he takes on everyone's problems all at once and worries like fuck over them all.
I'm so scared that he's just going to take on too much and then blow up like a cadbury creme egg.

And everyone was in such a down mood today. I hung out with Denise, Grant, Rieki and Ryan. Denise was worrying about her drama with Andrew, Grant had some personal issues that I'm not close enough to him to know about (completely understandable). Rieki was good, helping Grant (which Ryan was...not ticked...but a little put off about because this was the one case that he couldn't help with). so Ryan had some issues too.
It was just a weird night. And Rieki and me ran to wal-mart to get ice cream and shit to mix into it  to make milkshakes. that was funny. Ryan had fun too (:
but I hated eating, I know it makes Ryan happy though.
It just kills me to eat still - I know that I shouldn't be eating anymore but then I do and I get so fed up with myself. I either binge or live with it and hate my guts. I don't think Ryan understands that about me unfortunatly...this is a disease.

It just sucks so bad that theres one person I want and its him that i STILL can't have. of course.
And he doesn't even know because I don't tell him. If I did then things would get all weird and fucked again and I don't think he'd be as comfortable around me with Rieki.
So again I'm keeping this one to myself.
And I'm not eating tomorrow - bottom line. I'm locking myself in my room and saying I'm not feeling well or someshit and I'm refusing to eat.

When I'm skinny you'll see what I would do for you. You can have all of me.
I just hope you'll want me when I'm done.