I Feel Like I Should be Crying...

but I'm not...

I found pictures of a pool party that I went to last weekend on facebook, and I really saw myself in a bikini. GROSS. Honestly, I'm seriously disgusting. This is the best thinspiration I could have ever asked for - I've been questioning whether I should just give up on my fast ALL DAY. Now I know I should just NEVER EAT EVER AGAIN.

I'm upset that I'll never have Ryan.
I'm upset that I've still hurt so many people.
I'm upset that I'm a fat piece of shit still.

I'm happy I'm hungry.

Noone really seems to get that besides my friends from PT. They know what I'm doing. But noone else does, so I can't expect them to. I'm simply scared right now that I'm going to binge without being able to purge.

and I think I stopped permanently wearing my tree pendant. I traded it for a labradorite heart instead. I think it might help more...but I'm not sure. This is the only day since last September that I haven't worn my tree and I'm feeling a bit...anxious.

I want to find a second job, I need something else to occupy my time with. It feels like many friends are just slipping away, and unfortunatly that means alot of time to myself. And to think about food. My mom and bro made cupcakes tonight, and when I got home from babysitting I smelled them and almost had one - it took every ounce of my willpower not to take one.
Thank God I didn't - i would be over a toilet puking right now.
Stupid swimsuit pictures... >.>

I just feel like everything could be going so much more normally if it weren't for this eating/dieting problem. It's not even a problem anymore, it's just how I live now. Starve, Binge, Purge, It's just what happens...

I'm pretty sure I'm just going to give up on Mason for now...
Matt's talking to me again, and we're talking like normal for once...so that's nice.
Ryan's too preoccupied with his girlfriend and his parents to really ask me about Ana. (Thank God?)

They just need to all wait until I'm a perfect skinny little one with no fat on her bones. Then I'll be happy.