I am the moon.

I'm feeling doubtful of my eating lately. Like, I'm eating way too much and excersizing way too less.
I need to pick up again, I'm going to try fasting for as long as I can starting today. See what I can do, there's a party I'm going to on thursday, and I want to wear my pretty dress SO bad...
So I'm going to starve for it.

I feel like I stare into nothingness to much, you know? Almost like I have everything to think of but realistically only a few things are coming to mind to think of : what I'm doing, what i'm doing wrong, Mom, Ryan.
Over and over and over. How noone would want a fat chick, how for people to really like me I've got to be skinny.

It's funny, I think I've finally tainted my relationship with food. I don't see it as something that nourishes anymore. I have no desire to eat it at all...it doesn't fill me up. I regret eating it the second it's put into my mouth.
So now I'm just going to live by that. I think this will work.

I want to be skinny so bad, it hurts.


I saw "Friends With Benefits" yesterday, and it was absolutely amazing...except for the fact it got me all depressed. I want to be Jaime from the movie - I want the chance to have casual sex with a really hot guy just because - and fall in love along the way. But I can't right now - IM TOO FAT.
No guy would want me like that now, I need to change for someone to want me like that. So more starvation for me? PLEASE , I'd love that.

I bought two kinds of teas : one is green tea with ginger and the other is an infusion of camomile and other flower petals. They're both really good - maybe I'll just swim in tea. I'm going to have tea coming out my eyes.
AND mom finally bought me an ice cube tray! <3
geeeeeeeez, finally..



So back to the story from the last post - mom's boyfriend abruptly stopped talking to her, and when she went to bring his stuff back, there was another girl there. How am I supposed to  help her if I can't help myself? I don't know... But she is drinking a bit too much - she seems perfectly happy all the time thought like towards me and my bro. And I'm scared she's developing binge disorder because she just sits there and eats...
I'm supposed to be the Moon - that's what my aunt calls me - moon. Because my focus is on helping people (i believe in energies which i specialize in, and them being around people). And I can't be the moon...so it got to me...