So I felt bad about eating today, so I went on a long walk. Towards the beginning, I crossed a street and I knew there was a car coming, I thought it was further away.
They honked their horns and whatever, which only scared me to death - I was already out of their way by that time. But I could have been hit - they were so so close. And this is a really big deal to me, because I've considered this my form of suicide.
Even just as I wrote that this popped into my head:
she sits in the full bathtub, her hair floating around her. Her bikini on because she was afraid of people seeing how truly ugly she was. She looked at her stomach, the words "Perfect" and "Fat" carved into it by her own hand. A tear fell from her eye. She had taken all her makeup off, it was just her now. When she was dead, her body would be discovered and someone would finally see the words that broke her skin, the bones that were visible. They would finally know something was wrong with the pristine, smart little girl they all seemed to "know so well".
Only her and only her decision. Her blowdryer rested on the side of the bath, within her reach. One slip of the hand, and she would fry in her own bathwater. One slip of the hand, she would scream, the pain would consume her and she would never have to feel ever again. No more starvation. No more ignorance. No more heartache. Just an eternity of nothingness, and whatever comes along with the peacefull silence.
Could she do it?
..wait. This is where my thoughts are headed? I'm going to start crying. I don't want to die...or maybe I do. I don't fucking know anymore. And it doesn't matter. Maybe Ryan's right, maybe I am just broken. But I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything.
I want to drink until I don't know my name, or just stay in my room for endless hours, pouring over the silence and just...being. I probably wouldn't even cry.
And if that car had hit me, and I would have tried to call Ryan he wouldn't have picked up. I tried texting him with no response at all so I could stop by and pick up my iPod from his house - I was headed that way anyways. But he texted back two hours later saying he wasn't home.
He wouldn't have been around if I fell and couldn't get back up, or fainted on the side of the road from hunger, or just couldn't move. He wouldn't have been here.
It would have just been me. And I don't know what I would have done.
I should have a plan for what would happen if I fainted or collapsed on the side of the road from not eating...but I guess I don't want to admit that it could happen? I don't know. I don't have a plan anyways.
I saw a dead squirrel on the road a block or so later, recently dead by the looks of it. And anyone who knows me well enough knows that I DONT like dead things. They do not go good with me.
So he freaked me out. And not only that, but he made me think of what my body would look like, just sprawled out in the middle of the road, a lifeless mass of cells just...not moving.
I'm scared. Not going to lie.
No comments:
Post a Comment